Hunter, MD
by foxstarkiller
Summary: [ON HIATUS] A different kind of Robotech/Macross fan story. Same characters, different setting. Explanation of story inside. Basic premise: Rick Hunter is a misanthropic doctor who operates a small practice in the city of Macross.
1. Story Explantion and Cast of Characters

**HUNTER, MD**

**DISCLAIMER:** I own nothing.

**EXPLANATION OF STORY:** I recently started watching _Robotech: The Macross Saga_ again after having first gotten into it when Cartoon Network ran it on Toonami. At the same time, I started watching the TV sitcom _Becker_ again too and thought it would be interesting if Rick Hunter and company were inserted into the _Becker_ setting and lived the lives of the characters on that show. As a result, this little fanmake was born.

**MAIN STORY IDEA:**

Rick Hunter is a misanthropic doctor who operates a small practice in the city of Macross and is constantly annoyed by his patients, co-workers, friends, and practically everything and everybody else in his world. As a result of his outspoken nature, Rick is inaccessible to most people who don't know him. He is opinionated and cheap, he smokes, and he doesn't care what anyone else thinks. Nonetheless, his patients and friends are loyal because Rick portrays a kind-hearted side that shows that, despite his cantankerous personality, he genuinely cares about them.

* * *

**MAIN CHARACTER DEPICTIONS:**

**DR. JOHN BECKER - RICK HUNTER**

**REGINA "REGGIE" KOSTAS - ELIZABETH "LISA" HAYES  
**

**MARGARET WYBORN - CLAUDIA GRANT  
**

**LINDA - SAMMIE PORTER**

**JAKE "T-BONE" MALINAK - ROY FOKKER** (for the purposes of this story, he's going to be blind)**  
**

**BOB - ****BEN DIXON**

**CHRIS CONNOR - KIM YOUNG  
**

**HECTOR LOPEZ - JACK ARCHER**

* * *

**MAIN CHARACTER DESCRIPTIONS:**

**DR. RICK HUNTER: **a Harvard Medical School graduate and former top Medical researcher, runs a neighborhood medical practice in the city of Macross. He is easily annoyed by things such as a flickering street lamp, noisy neighbors, the couple having very loud sex in the apartment above him, or his numerous failed attempts to quit smoking. Rick has a personal superstition that **"all midgets are bad luck; whenever I see one, something bad happens to me."** He has been married and divorced twice (guess who one of those ex-wives is) and is very stingy. He is politically liberal (especially in the later years of the series), though he hates political correctness and has had trouble with the IRS. His views on religion are inconsistent in that although he is publicly an atheist, he doesn't rule out the possibility of an extant God torturing him for his non-belief. Despite his gruff nature, Rick exhibits moments of kindness and shows the utmost professionalism in dealing with his patients. He often accepts gifts, such as baseball tickets or even a duck from patients who can't afford to pay him.

**ELIZABETH "LISA" HAYES****:** the owner and operator of a diner she inherited from her late father, Lisa is a former model and is unhappy being stuck running a diner. When Rick Hunter is away from his office or apartment, he can almost always be found at her diner. Lisa is torn over her feelings for Rick - the two have the kind of love-hate relationship often seen in sitcoms. She is frequently taunted for her poor cooking and drops hints that the Board of Health has issued her warnings before. Although disenchanted with her occupation, Lisa does seem to enjoy her customers and lets them make it a sort of extension of their homes, allowing Rick, for example, to operate the cash register to access the cigarettes he keeps there. Lisa eventually goes on to acquire a degree in psychology but has a panic attack when the jokes of the episode hinge on the uselessness of the degree.

**CLAUDIA GRANT:** one of the few people who can tolerate Rick Hunter, Claudia is Rick's nurse and office manager and a motherly figure to Rick and Sammie Porter. She is married, which at best is an on the rocks marriage, to the often mentioned but never seen "Dylan", who hates Rick (and vice versa). She once thought about becoming a singer instead of a nurse. Claudia is a Christian, specifically a Baptist, and often quotes the Bible. Claudia is generally the most level-headed character and acts as the voice of reason. She also appears to have liberal views and is also shown to be quite stubborn, a prime example being that she got her job by not leaving until Rick hired her.

**SAMMIE PORTER:** a muddle-headed young woman who works at Rick Hunter's doctor's office as a fledgling nurse's aide to establish independence from her wealthy parents. Rick also mentions that he owed her father a favor, suggesting that that is the only reason Sammie is kept around. Although her help is often of questionable value, she occasionally shows surprising competence. Her mother is an alcoholic and her parents are apparently quite wealthy, having bought Sammie a penthouse with a doorman, an original Monet painting, a view of the park, and a Danish ambassador as a neighbor. She has been out with lots of men, including her on-again/off-again ex-boyfriend Gil, who is frequently mentioned (often in a negative context). Sammie is popular with some of the patients due to her skimpy outfits and her optimistic attitude; mostly kids enjoy her being around when it comes to take shots. She respects Rick, often calling him "Dr. Hunter" no matter where she is. She admires him, and does get along with him when he's having one of his few good days. She also respects Claudia Grant and is often helped out of a lot of tough situations. She has a soft spot for small animals and loves to go shopping, clubbing, and dating a new guy every week. Sammie also speaks various languages.

******ROY FOKKER****:** Rick Hunter's best friend, Roy also works at the diner selling newspapers and miscellaneous items such as candy, magazines, cigarettes, gum, etc. Roy lost his eye sight following a car accident several years before. He lived with his grandmother as a youngster and was close to her before she died. He also competed three times in the National Scrabble Championship and even won once.

******BEN DIXON****:** an old high school classmate of Lisa Hayes' who is rotund, hyperactive and annoying, like the way he refers to himself in the third person. Ben largely serves as the larger-than-life comic relief of the series, bringing levity to many of the serious issues the series encountered. Ben is a sex addict who originally wants to be with Lisa, in spite of the fact that Lisa has made her disgust for him quite clear and that he was married. Eventually, Ben becomes homeless after losing most of his money in his divorce. Sammie invites him to live with her in her parent's penthouse but quickly tries to figure out ways to kick him out. After messing up several job openings Sammie tries to set him up with, Ben eventually becomes the superintendent of Rick's apartment building, much to Rick's dismay. Although he avoids his job as the superintendent at Rick's building, one of his few talents is that he is an excellent cook. Despite the food at Lisa's Diner being sub par, Ben is still able to cook very well. He is a recurring character for the first two seasons (doesn't even appear in the pilot episode), and is made a main character for seasons three through five.

******KIM YOUNG****:** Rick Hunter's new upstairs neighbor who moves to Macross after traveling the world. Kim doesn't join the series until near the end of season four and becomes a regular cast member in season five. Like Lisa Hayes, Kim gets into a love-hate relationship with Rick. She is his total opposite- always nice and cheerful.

******JACK ARCHER****:** an old friend of Roy Fokker's. Roy knew Jack as a little brother of one of his childhood friends. When Roy talked about Jack as kid, he said that Jack would do anything to get money including selling his parents' condoms, to which Jack responded by saying, **"Hey, those weren't scams; they were business ventures. Besides, I got a baby sister out of it."** Jack is a cast member only during the sixth season and serves as a replacement of sorts for Ben Dixon, who presumably goes on a year-long holiday.

* * *

**Author's Note:** The cast you see here is my ideal cast for this story. There are only eight characters because these are the only characters who at one point or another are main characters in this story.


	2. Episode 1x01: Pilot, Part One

**EPISODE 1x01: PILOT**

Lisa's Diner

The two tables are occupied with customers; two men sitting across from each other talking and eating breakfast at Table Two; a bald man drinking coffee while reading the newspaper at Table One. At the counter, a woman is eating breakfast, a blind, blonde man named Roy Fokker is drinking coffee and the diner's owner and operator, Elizabeth "Lisa" Hayes, is sitting behind the counter reading the newspaper. Just then, an old, beat up car is heard pulling up to the diner and backfiring. Lisa and Roy know exactly who it is.

**"Hunter's here!" **Roy announced.

With that, all the customers except the bald man left their money and made a beeline for the door just as Dr. Rick Hunter entered the diner.

**"You know what I like about this place? Any time I walk in, there's always a seat,"** Rick said as he made his way to the counter.

**"Morning, Rick," **Roy greeted.

Rick just nodded his head as he grabbed a napkin and wiped off the counter.

**"Yeah, you know... you know what's killing this country? Those idiotic TV talk shows,"** Rick started ranting as he sat in the stool next to Roy and tossed the napkin away whilst Lisa served him a cup of coffee. **"You know, I watched one last night; I should've just stuck a fork in my eye. You know, it's like America stepped in something and is scraping off its shoe directly over my TV set. I'm telling ya, Jerry Springer, Jenny Jones; they're all broadcasting straight from Hell. You know, I watched one the other day; I-I don't even know what the hell it was. Apparently, some guy wanted to be a woman so he chops it off, then he decides he likes chicks after all so he becomes a lesbian. Tell me there's not a wasted step in there somewhere."**

Lisa rolled her eyes and Roy just chuckled.

**"You know, Hunter, you could have changed the channel,"** Lisa suggested.

**"I did; I ran across a bisexual guy having a three-way with his aunt and his uncle," **Rick retorted, causing Lisa to shake her head. **"I tell ya, if I were his dog, I'd be on my toes."**

**"Well, here's a wacky idea: turn it off!"** Lisa suggested.

**"Don't you get it, Lisa? He leaves the TV on so he CAN get upset,"** Roy interjected.

**"Hey, nobody called on you!"** Rick shot back. Then to Lisa he explained, **"It doesn't matter if you turn the set off; the people are still in there! And frankly, I like knowing exactly what they're up to. Trust me on this one: white trash is the only natural resource this country will never run out of!"**

**"You're really a miserable human being,"** Lisa stated.

**"Doesn't mean I'm not right,"** Rick retorted. He then took a sip of his coffee and said as he got up and went over to Table One to cream his coffee, **"You know something? I'm sorry your father died. You know, when he was running this place, he was a lot nicer to me than you are."**

**"My father was hard of hearing!"** Lisa shot back.

**"Just give me one of my cigarettes, will ya?"** Rick asked as he checked his watch.

**"Why don't you get a nicotine patch like the rest of the world?"** Lisa asked.

**"I tried one; they're too hard to light,"** Rick retorted as he walked back towards the counter.

Rick then saw Roy combing his hair while using the metal napkin holder as a mirror. The problem is Roy was staring directly at the napkin instead of into the shiny metal part.

**"Roy?"**

**"Yeah?"**

**"If you don't want people to know you're blind, you might want to stare into that shiny metal part instead of directly at the napkin."**

Roy stopped combing his hair and touched the napkin holder, confirming what Rick said.

**"Oh, damn!"** Roy exclaimed.

**"Right,"** Rick deadpanned.

**"So, uh, Rick, how much will you pay me not to go down to your office and tell Claudia you're still sneaking cigarettes, huh?"** Roy asked as he put his jacket on.

**"How much will you pay not to paint your white cane blue?"** Rick retorted as he lit up his cigarette.

**"You know, if you ever pick up a handicap, I'm gonna be all over you,"** Roy threatened as he extended his cane and stood up. **"All right, Rick, I'll see you tomorrow. And Lisa, I'll see you for lunch."**

**"Okay, Roy, have a nice day,"** Lisa replied.

**"Yeah, but I'd better hurry if I'm gonna get where I need to go,"** Roy said as he headed towards the newsstand which he runs. Once he got there, he heaved an over the top "whew!" as though he'd just run the marathon, getting an eye roll from Rick. **"Hey, Rick, you're killing me here. Why don't-why don't you park that smelly, oil burning heap of yours down the street, huh?"**

**"You're just jealous, Roy, that you can't drive it,"** Rick retorted.

**"Looks like he already did,"** Lisa deadpanned as she wiped off the counter.

**"You know something?** **You both can go to Hell,"** Rick said as he put down his coffee cup and put out his cigarette. He checked his watch again and then pulled his stethoscope out of his jacket pocket and wrapped it around his neck.** "Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time for me to go heal the sick and comfort the dying."**

**"So, what do you think, that stethoscope is gonna stop people from seeing the stains on your shirt and the stubble on your face?"** Lisa asked.

**"The not shaving is a look. I saw it in a cologne ad,"** Rick retorted, getting an eye roll from Lisa. **"As far as the clothes, what's the point? I can almost guarantee you by the end of the day, some kid will have thrown up on me."**

With that, Rick paid for his coffee, received a newspaper from Roy, and started to leave.

**"Well, then it's true what they say: kids ARE wonderful judges of character,"** Lisa joked.

**"Bite me,"** Rick shot back as he exited the diner.

The bald man who was drinking coffee while reading the newspaper watched Rick leave, turned to Lisa and asked, **"You sure he's really a doctor? I mean, he's such an ass."**

**"He's not just a doctor; he's a brilliant one,"** Lisa replied.** "As far as I can tell, that's his only flaw, otherwise he'd be a PERFECT ass."**


	3. Episode 1x01: Pilot, Part Two

Later that day at the doctor's office

The place is packed with patients waiting to see Rick. Rick entered and as soon as he did, everybody turned to yell at him for being late.

**"I know, I know, I know! I'm late!"** Rick announced as he made his way to the area behind the front desk to find his nurse and office manager, Claudia Grant, walking towards him with the patients' charts. Needless, to say, she was angry at Rick for being late.

**"You're late!" **she exclaimed. **"And you forgot to shave!"**

**"No, I didn't; it's a look,"** Rick said as he put the newspaper on the table and took off his jacket.

**"Well, it's not a good look! And you've been smoking; I can smell it!"**

**"That's not true, Claudia. It was Roy down at the newsstand. He blew it all over me. What was I gonna do, yell at a blind guy?"** Rick lied as he washed his hands.

**"Rick Hunter, you're a damn liar," **Claudia retorted as she handed Rick the first chart. **"Mrs. Zellman's in One."**

**"Oh, perfect. How is she doing today? All hands on deck?"**

**"Well, she remembered her teeth."**

**"Well, thank God for that, otherwise it's like talking to a sock puppet."**

Rick started heading towards Exam Room One when a pair of kids came running in his direction. **"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Back, back, back, back, back, back!"** he ordered. The kids obeyed and Rick and Claudia headed towards the exam rooms.

**"Mr. Capelli's waiting in Two,"** Claudia stated as she handed Rick the second chart.

**"Yeah."**

**"Marvin Johnson is in your office,"** Claudia stated as she handed Rick the third chart.

**"You wanna tell me why they're here, please?"** Rick asked.

**"Not especially; that's why I gave you their charts,"** Claudia retorted as she walked off.

With that, Rick looked at Mrs. Zellman's chart and entered Exam Room One but we don't follow him in.

**"Aw, jeez! Mrs. Zellman, put your clothes back on! You're here about an eye infection!"** Rick exclaimed from inside the exam room.

Just then, Claudia re-emerged with more charts and a small smirk on her face as Rick exited the exam room.

**"Serves you right for being late,"** she stated as she headed towards the front desk.

Rick ignored that and headed for Exam Room Two, where Mr. Capelli, an overweight man, was waiting for him.

**"Hey, doc, how ya doin'?"** Mr. Capelli asked. Rick stared at him. **"What?"**

**"That diet I put you on; the one you asked me for," **Rick started as he closed the door.** "Perhaps I didn't make myself clear: you have to do more than just read the piece of paper. You've gained six pounds."**

**"You sure about that, doc? 'Cause, you know, this sweater's pretty bulky."**

**"Yeah, right, it's the sweater,"** Rick deadpanned as he put the chart on the counter. **"I tell you what I'm gonna do: I'm gonna stand way over here and I'm gonna give you my diagnosis free of charge. Your blood pressure's too high, your cholesterol's through the roof, and your legs are killing you. But then why wouldn't they be? Look what they're trying to hold up."**

**"Jeez, doc, I kinda thought that maybe I-"**

**"Kinda thought what? That I'd give you a pat on that continent you call a butt? Tell you everything's gonna be fine and send you home?"**

**"Whoa, whoa. Aren't doctors supposed to be nice?"**

**"Check out the Hippocratic Oath; it doesn't mention nice,"** Rick retorted as he picked up the chart. **"Look, Mr. Capelli, I like you. More importantly your wife and your kids probably love you, so if you care about them at all or hell, if you just care about yourself, I want you to remember this one word: salad."** Rick then added as he started to leave, **"Hey, you can do this."**

With that, Rick exited the exam room to find his nurse's aide, Sammie Porter, digging through the trash. Sammie stopped when she heard Rick exiting the exam room.

**"Good morning, doctor!"** Sammie greeted.

**"Ah, yeah, good morning, uh..."** he can't remember her name.

**"Sammie."**

**"Right, right. I knew it was something weird like that,"** Rick retorted as he put Mr. Capelli's chart away.

**"I know you said never to talk to you unless it was absolutely necessary but I-I just wanna say thanks a lot for making me a nurse's aide. I never thought I'd be a professional anything. And this is WAY better than sweeping up hair at a beauty salon. Although the fumes from those hair dyes can give you a pretty good buzz."**

**"You know..."** Rick started.

**"You know, this one time, I had-"**

**"…if you shut your mouth, it keeps the words from just falling out like that,"** Rick finished undeterred.

**"I know, I know I talk too much and I'm working on that but you just don't know what it's like in here!"** Sammie exclaimed as she knocked on her own head. **"All these thoughts keep flying around and..."** she stopped as she realized Rick was staring at her. **"I'm sensing a little hostility."**

**"Go with that."**

**"You mean..."**

**"I mean go."**

**"Yeah."**

With that, Sammie walked off and Rick entered his office, where Marvin "MJ" Johnson, a seven-year-old black kid, was sitting in Rick's desk chair, looking at the pictures in Rick's medical book.

**"Hey, doc?"**

**"Yeah?"**

**"What's this?"** MJ asked pointing to a picture he was looking at.

**"Uh, that's called an ovary," **Rick answered looking at what MJ was pointing at. **"Don't worry about it; you don't have one."** He sat in the chair opposite the chair MJ was sitting in. **"Where's your mother?"**

**"She had to work but my brother brought me. Should I get him?"**

**"No, no, that's alright. You and I can have a little talk right here."**

Rick moved the chair MJ is sitting in towards him so they're facing each other directly, then took the medical book out of MJ's hands and put it away.

**"So, what's the deal?"** MJ asked.

**"Well, MJ, the deal kind of stinks. Remember last week how we talked about good and bad blood cells?"**

**"Yeah."**

**"Well, the bad guys are-are winning."**

**"You mean my t-cells are down again?"**

**"Wow, you're getting the hang of this, aren't you?" **Rick remarked as he looked at the chart. **"Um, yes they are but I, uh, I don't want you to worry about it because I'm gonna try to come up with something new for you."**

**"I could use a new bike."**

**"Nice try. Um, okay, next week, I want you to... oh, hell, you know the drill, don't you?"**

**"Yeah."**

**"Yeah."**

**"Are you okay? You don't look so good,"** MJ asked.

**"No, I'm fine, thank you."**

**"Are you smoking again?"**

**"Oh,"** Rick exclaimed as he leaned back in his chair, almost clutching his heart and took a deep breath. **"Yeah, I'm-I'm, uh, I'm trying to quit; it's just... hey, do me a favor, will ya? Plea- don't- don't tell Claudia."** MJ crossed his arms and grinned at him. **"Oh, yeah, all right, wha-what are we talking? Candy or cash?"**

MJ held out his hand and did the "give me cash" gesture, to which Rick reluctantly complied.

That night at Rick's apartment

Rick is at his desk looking for a solution to the problem with MJ. There is loud music coming from the apartment just outside Rick's window; music that at best could be described as a goat sexually molesting some kind of banjo. Rick sporadically looked towards the source of the music, becoming increasingly annoyed by it. He grabbed his date book and picked up his phone to call somebody when he finally got fed up with the loud music, went to his window, opened it and leaned out to yell at the source of the music.

**"Hey, foreign guy! Do we have to go through this every night?! Just finish killing your cat and go to sleep!"** He got no response so he tried a new tactic. **"Turn it off or I call immigration!"**

The music immediately stopped playing. Rick closed his window, went back to his desk, picked up his date book again, looked at the number he was about to call, hesitated slightly, picked up the phone and made the call.

**"Dr. Kagan, please? 'Whom may I say is calling?' Hey, just drop the Harvard attitude and tell him it's an old friend."** He moved the phone away from his ear and muttered to himself, **"Son of a-"** then moved the phone back to his ear. **"Lee, hey, it's Hunter. Uh, I know it's been a long time since I- no, no, don't hang up. Ju- I have no idea how your ex-wife is; as of a year ago, she's my ex-wife, too. Yes, really. Yeah, well, screw you too, you Ivy League quack! Hey, can you do me a favor? Yeah, I got a kind of tricky case here. Yes, ye-yes, me. I've got a- I've got an HIV-positive seven-year-old. Uh, transfusion. Yeah, the ice under this kid's getting pretty thin. Look, uh, I'm-I'm afraid that I maybe missed something, you know? Some new treatment, some... some drug, may-maybe there's a program you could, uh, get him into, so... do me a favor: let me just fax-fax his chart to you, will ya? Oh, come on, you owe me. If I hadn't met your wife, you'd still be married to her. You're welcome. Yeah, please, thank you and get-get back to me quick, will ya? I wanna make sure this kid gets to his next birthday. Yeah."**

He hung up the phone and leaned back in his chair, heaving a sigh.


	4. Episode 1x01: Pilot, Part Three

The next morning at Lisa's Diner

Lisa is in the kitchen, Roy is sitting at the counter eating breakfast and Rick sitting is at Table One drinking coffee and looking at car ads. A bum entered the diner and approached Rick.

**"Hey, man, spare change?" **the bum asked.

**"You mean extra change? Money that if you weren't here, I'd just throw away?"** Rick retorted.

**"Uh, no-no, man, spare change."**

**"Oh, like a spare tire, for when something goes wrong with my regular change."**

**"Oh-oh, no, you're that doctor from over on Austin Avenue, aren't you?"** Rick nodded his head. **"Forget it, I don't need this!"**

With that, the bum ran out of the diner.

**"Your reputation's growing, Rick,"** Roy remarked.

**"You know, these-these car ads are such a crock,"** Rick started as Lisa emerged from the kitchen. **"You can't even buy a used car anymore; they're all 'previously owned,' you know, 'formerly experienced,' 'well serviced'; if I add the word 'slut,' you could be talking about my ex-wife."**

**"You were married?"** Lisa asked.

**"Yeah, why?"** Rick retorted.

**"Well..."** Lisa laughed, **"who would...? I mean, why would...? So, what kind of car are you looking for?"**

**"Basic transportation; something to get me from here to there,"** Rick replied.

**"Get a bicycle,"** Lisa suggested.

**"Uh-oh!"** Roy exclaimed, almost choking on his coffee

**"What? They're inexpensive, great exercise, and pollution free,"** Lisa explained.

**"Oh, yeah, that's just what I wanna be: another schmuck riding down the street with a little bell and a stupid helmet trying to save the environment," **Rick deadpanned as walked towards the counter and held out his cup of coffee so Lisa could give him a refill. **"Like my little two-wheeler's gonna make a difference in a city with fifty million cabs belching out toxic smoke. 'Oh, little Timmy can't breathe but don't worry, Hunter's riding a bike!'"** Rick joked as he headed back towards Table One.

**"I tried to warn you," **Roy scolded Lisa.

**"I swear, Hunter, if you're not talking medicine, you're, like, just an idiot,"** Lisa said as she went back into the kitchen whilst Rick resumed looking at the car ads.

**"I think she likes you,"** Roy teased Rick.

**"You know just because you're blind doesn't mean you have some sixth sense about these things; it just means you're blind,"** Rick retorted.

Later that day at the doctor's office

Sammie is sitting at the computer desk whistling. She pressed a key on the keyboard and got horrified at the image that appeared on the monitor. She tried to remove the image before Claudia saw it but to no avail.

**"So, Sammie, just curious, how long have you had the nipple ring?"** Claudia asked.

**"Uh, gee, what makes you think I even do?"** Sammie asked, trying to play dumb.

To answer Sammie's question, Claudia turned on the X-ray light behind the desk, revealing an X-ray of Sammie's breasts which in fact showed a nipple ring. Sammie closed her eyes in embarrassment and then turned to the X-ray to explain it.

**"See, I-I-I just wondered what it would look like. It looks like that,"** Sammie explained, gesturing towards the X-ray.

**"That machine is not a toy," **Claudia explained as she turned the X-ray light off. **"If you keep X-raying your breasts, you're gonna grow a third one. Would you like that?"**

**"I've got all the trouble I can handle with these two,"** Sammie replied.

Claudia rolled her eyes as Sammie walked off down the hallway. Rick emerged from his office as Sammie walked by.

**"Hello, doctor,"** Sammie greeted.

**"Yeah, hello..."** he still can't remember her name.

**"Sammie."**

**"Right."** Rick then turned to Claudia and asked, **"Did my, uh, friend from Harvard Med call back yet?"**

**"No, not yet,"** Claudia replied.

**"All right, uh, get MJ's mom on the phone; see how he's doing, will you please? And then, would you, uh, would you mind draining Mrs. Salazar's boil?"**

**"What did I do?!"** Claudia asked incredulously.

**"Nothing. I ju- I just found a car I'm interested in and I wanna go check it out."**

**"Oh, finally!"**

**"The only downside is dealing with those parasitic car salesmen; I tell you, if there's one form of life on this planet that drives me-"**

**"Don't you start! If you're trying to get me to choose between another one of your tirades and Mrs. Salazar's infected behind, I'll take the butt!"**

That night at Furuhata's Used Cars

A blonde woman named Minako "Mina" Aino is exiting the main office on the verge of tears.

**"No! No, no more lies, Andrew, we're over! You can go straight to Hell!"** Mina exclaimed as slammed the door. She started to leave the car lot in tears when she saw Rick checking out one of the cars. An idea popped into her head and she approached Rick. **"Hi! I'm ****Minako Aino.** **Can I help you?" **she greeted as she extended her hand.

**"Uh, yeah, hello," **Rick said as he shook her hand. **"Now, let's let that do it for the pleasantries, shall we? Now, before we get started, let me say something: I know all the gimmicks, all the angles; there isn't anything you could say to me that I haven't heard before."**

**"I've been sleeping with the manager of this place and I just now found out that he's married so in order to get even with him, I'm prepared to give you a deal on this car that you won't believe,"** Mina said bluntly.

**"Well, I haven't heard that one,"** Rick said dumbfounded.** "What do you think? You think I'm an idiot? You think I'm gonna fall for that? Sticker says 18500; I'll give you 16; not a penny more."**

**"He told me he loved me; you can go lower."**

**"Uh, you-you want me to pay less?"** Rick asked surprised.

**"Yes, I really want to hurt him."**

**"What do you mean, like... 15500?"** Rick asked as he quickly looked in the direction of the main office.

**"We were talking about having kids!"** Mina said ruefully.

**"14?"**

**"13; sold!"**

**"Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second, wait a minute! Just let... now, I'm not saying yes. But if I did, would you, um, throw in a new set of tires?"**

**"Absolutely."**

**"Oh, wait a minute. All right, all right, what's wrong with the car?" **Rick asked, starting to think this is a scam.

**"Nothing."**

**"Come on, what is it? What, is the-the engine block cracked? There is no engine? Was it a cab in Mexico City? Come on, what is it?"**

**"There's nothing wrong with the car; he broke my hear-hear-hear-hear-heart!"** Mina exclaimed as she broke down crying.

**"Oh, no, don't..."** Rick said as Mina started crying on his shoulder. **"Yeah, this-this is not working. Can I talk to a man salesman please?!" **Rick called towards the main office.

The next day at the doctor's office

Rick is walking towards his office with M.J.'s chart. He looked at the chart and frowned at what he saw. He went into his office to find MJ and his mother waiting for him.

**"Okay,"** Rick said as he closed the door and sat in his office chair. **"Got the latest lab work in and to tell you the truth, MJ's numbers are not quite as good as I was hoping for."**

**"Maybe they're wrong 'cause I feel pretty good,"** MJ said.

Rick gave Mrs. Johnson a look that said he wants to talk to her alone.

**"MJ, honey, why don't you-"** Mrs. Johnson started to ask.

**"I know. You guys wanna talk about me,"** MJ said as he started to leave. **"So, I'll go out and talk to that new girl. She's weird. I like that in a woman."**

**"Now, MJ, don't be rude,"** Mrs. Johnson said as MJ left.

**"He's right; she IS weird,"** Rick said.** "Mrs. Johnson, I have to be honest with you: MJ needs better care than I can give him. He needs a cutting edge program, the newest treatments."**

**"We don't have that kind of money."**

**"Nobody does; that's why hospitals name buildings after rich people. Don't worry about it; there are ways."**

**"But where will I find a program like that?"**

**"I already have; a friend of mine... actually, he's, uh, he's not really a friend; it's more like we share custody of an ex-wife. Anyway, uh, he-he's recommended a program downtown at Macross General Hospital; I really think we should give it a try. Now, I know that you work so if you can't take him, I thought maybe that I... well, uh, you know, maybe somebody from-from this office could take him. And I promise not, uh..."** Rick still can't remember Sammie's name.

**"Sammie?"**

**"Right, Sammie."**

**"Jesus blessed us when He sent MJ to you."**

**"Yeah, Jesus, right," **Rick said, ruefully.** "Uh, if you're gonna talk to Him, you might wanna leave my name out of it; we don't exactly have a great working relationship. You gotta admit that if He's really sitting up there, uh, watching us, I think He fell asleep at the wheel, you know. I mean, how else could you explain how a disease like this could slip through the cracks, let alone...?"** he stopped saying what he was saying and took a second to calm down.** "I'm sorry. Obviously, I have a little work to do in the faith department so why don't I just, uh, say 'amen' and shut up?"** he said as he got up and opened the door for Mrs. Johnson.

**"Thank you, Doctor. You just may go to Heaven whether you like it or not,"** Mrs. Johnson said as she exited the office.

**"Thanks. That's the first time anyone's ever suggested I go in that direction,"** Rick retorted as he closed the door behind Mrs. Johnson.


	5. Episode 1x01: Pilot, Part Four

That night at the doctor's office

Rick is exiting his office, putting the last chart away. Claudia is at the front desk.

**"Oh, Rick, your accountant just called; he said to tell you that he transferred the money into your checking account for the new car,"** Claudia informed.

**"Uh, you know, I changed my mind about the car. I couldn't make a deal,"** Rick replied clearing his throat.

**"I knew it was too good to be true. All right, I'll tell him to transfer the money back."**

**"No, don't do that. Uh, just keep it in checking; I've got some expenses coming up."**

**"What expenses?"**

**"Just stuff, okay? Don't worry about it."**

**"Okay, fine. Oh, I forgot to tell you: MJ's all squared away, but there seems to be some mistake. The hospital said that they would contact you personally for payment. Is that right?"**

**"Yeah uh, that's-that's okay. Uh, thank you. See you Monday."**

Rick exited, leaving Claudia smiling proudly at him.

Later that night at Lisa's Diner

Rick entered to find the place open but empty. He headed straight for the counter. Lisa is in the women's restroom.

**"Hello, Lisa! I'll have a club sandwich, french fries, and a cup of coffee. No, make that a milkshake, chocolate. Do you have any of that pie left over from yesterday?"**

Lisa emerged from the restroom wearing a nice dress.

**"Oh, hi, Hunter, it's you."**

Rick turned around and saw Lisa all dressed up.

**"I'm not getting my dinner, am I?"** Rick asked.

**"I have a date,"** Lisa replied.

**"Well, this isn't right. Who goes out on a Friday night?"**

**"Look, Hunter, he's gonna be here any minute and I don't wanna waste the first two hours explaining... you."**

**"Who is this guy? What's he do?"**

**"Why do you care?"** Lisa asked as she walked behind the counter.

**"I don't; I ju... you know, forget it."**

**"Okay, well if you must know, he's a dentist."**

**"A dentist?! You're going out with a guy who couldn't even get into medical school?!"** Rick asked incredulously.

**"Good night, Hunter!"** Lisa retorted, angrily.

**"All right, all right, I'm not being fair. Uh, you and your dentist go have a wonderful dinner and I'll... let me just grab one of my smokes,"** Rick said as he went to the cash register to grab one of the cigarettes he keeps there.

**"You know, when you came in, you sounded... different. Almost, I don't know, happy,"** Lisa said.

**"Happy?"**

**"Well, for you."**

**"Yeah, no, no, no. No, just end of the week, that's all,"** Rick lied as he headed for the door. **"Well, have a good time. Don't forget to floss."**

With that, Rick exited the diner leaving Lisa shaking her head at him.

**"Would it have killed you to say SOMETHING about the dress?"** she asked as she exited the diner through the kitchen, turning the lights off in the process.


	6. 1x02: Take These Pills & Shove 'Em! I

**EPISODE 1x02: TAKE THESE PILLS AND SHOVE 'EM!**

Lisa's Diner

The two tables are occupied with customers; two men sitting across from each other talking and drinking coffee at Table Two; a man in a leather jacket eating breakfast while reading the newspaper at Table One. At the counter, Roy is drinking coffee while looking through a catalog for the knowledge annex with Lisa. A man started exiting the diner as Rick came blowing in the door.

**"No time for breakfast, Lisa; just a cup of coffee," **Rick said as he approached the counter.** "My car broke down so I had to take the bus. You done that lately? You know, it's like being in an ethanol powered Fellini film. The first thing I see is some woman breastfeeding her son, her ADULT son!"** Roy chuckled as Rick continued, **"Behind them is someone in this lovely Chanel evening gown who is either an unattractive man or a REALLY unattractive woman. The only seat I could find was next to some guy who claims he's Moses. You know, he may well have been too; he smelled like some guy who'd been dead for 3000 years."** He went to the cash register to get one of his cigarettes and then asked, **"So, what's-what's going on in here?"**

**"Well, before you blew in, we were having a conversation,"** Lisa replied.

**"Yeah, Rick, we DO have lives that go on even when you're not here,"** Roy pointed out.

**"Oh, gee, you know, I always just assumed this place was like my refrigerator; when I shut the door, the light goes out,"** Rick deadpanned as he sat in the stool next to Roy.** "Please, don't let me stop you; go back to what you were doing; I'll just mind my own business,"** he added as he lit up his cigarette.

**"Great!" **Lisa exclaimed as she reopened the catalog. **"So, Roy, what class do you wanna take? There's cooking, creative writing-"**

**"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on a second,"** Rick interrupted as he grabbed the catalog.** "You're taking a class from the knowledge annex? This is not a real school; it's a joke. I mean look at this. Oh, introductory clowning. It's a two-day class; well that makes sense. Day one: get in the little car; day two: get out of the little car."**

**"Hey, that-that knowledge annex; that's a great place. My wife takes a class there three nights a week,"** the man in the leather jacket interjected.

**"She learn anything?"** Rick asked as he, Roy and Lisa turned to the man.

**"Who cares? She's out of the house three nights a week,"** the man retorted.

**"So what class do you wanna take?"** Lisa asked as she, Rick and Roy turned away from the man.

**"Well, I'm only going there to meet women so it really doesn't matter,"** Roy replied.

**"Oh, so I have a GREAT class for you; there'll be LOTS of women: lesbian literature,"** Lisa deadpanned.

**"Okay, it DOES matter,"** Roy retorted.

**"Give him a break, will ya? He's a blind newsstand owner; what are the chances he have to meet women?"** Rick said to Lisa.

**"Well, thanks a lot!"** Roy shot back.

**"I gotta second that. I mean, if you're a chick and you see Mr. Magoo here coming at you with that cane..."** the leather jacket guy said.

**"I'm-I'm-I'm sorry; I didn't get your name,"** Roy said as he, Rick, and Lisa turned to the man.

**"Bob; Bob LeBlanc,"** the man replied.

**"Right, do me a favor, Bob: shut up!"** Roy said as he, Rick and Lisa turned away from Bob.

**"Hmm, how about this: archery? Hmm, as much as I'd like to see you try that, no," **Rick said as he looked through the catalog.** "Ah, here you go: sculpture."**

**"Now, that sounds promising. Women who like to work with their hands. Oh, yeah, I like it, Rick. A blind artist struggling to express himself, oh that's good,"** Roy said happily.

**"Men's answer to everything: lying,"** Lisa deadpanned.

**"Excuse me? I've seen you all spackled up for a date," **Rick retorted causing Lisa to glare at him. **"The hair, the make-up, the 'hello, sailor' shoes."** Lisa rolled her eyes. **"Besides, what do you- what do you tell guys you do for a living?"**

**"They don't care. They're guys,"** Lisa retorted.

**"She's right. A woman's job is irrelevant," **Bob said as he headed towards the counter and sat in the stool next to Rick.** "Me, I like my women like I like my G.I. Joe; opposable with a kung fu grip,"** Bob continued as he shot Lisa a lascivious look.

**"Bob, right?" **Lisa asked, visibly disturbed.

**"Yeah?"** Bob asked seductively.

**"Shut up!"** Lisa said as she as she flicked Bob in the head.

**"Ow!"** Bob exclaimed.


	7. 1x02: Take These Pills & Shove 'Em! II

Later that day at the doctor's office

Claudia hung up the phone as Rick opened a package he got in the mail and pulled out an air-horn.

**"What's that?"** Claudia asked, looking at Rick's air-horn.

**"Huh? Oh, it's just an air-horn," **Rick said as he put the air-horn in his back pocket. **"Any messages?"**

**"Oh, the pharmacy called. They're a little concerned; it's been almost a week and Mr. Kravshera still hasn't picked up his pills,"** Claudia replied.

**"Ah, you know, what is he doing? He diabetic; he needs those pills. Get on the phone and tell him drag his butt down here! Today!"** Rick ordered causing Claudia to glare at him. **"Please,"** Rick added.

**"That's better."**

**"Anything else?"** Rick asked as he went to the sink to wash his hands

**"Um, Mrs. Cooper called at 11:00 last night; she didn't want to alarm us but she wasn't sure she would make it through the night,"** Claudia replied.** "7:00 this morning, Mrs. Cooper called again; apparently, she made it. 8:15, Mrs. Cooper called-"**

**"Yeah, she's here, isn't she?"** Rick caught on.

**"Room Two,"** Claudia replied.

**"All right, give me the TV Guide; let's see what we're dealing with."**

**"Already checked; there were two movies of the week last night. Lindsay Wagner had kidney failure and Patty Duke was going deaf. Usual bet?"**

**"Fine, I'll take deafness; you've got renal shutdown,"** Rick stated as he grabbed the chart and headed for Exam Room Two, where Mrs. Cooper is waiting for him.

**"Mrs. Cooper, how are we doing today?"**

"**Excuse me, doctor, can you speak up?"**

Rick stuck his head out the exam room door and called out to Claudia, **"Patty Duke!"**

**"Damn!"** Claudia exclaimed.

Sammie walked up to a male patient in the waiting room.

**"Okay," **she said as she took the chart and looked at it. **"Whoa, they're signing you up for an MRI. Hope you're not claustrophobic,"** she said as she sat down next to the patient.** "'Cause, you know, they slide you into this long dark tube and you can't move. It's like the walls are closing in and then there's this horrible, deafening, pounding noise and you scream, and you scream but nobody can hear you! And then, you wonder 'what if there's a power failure and I get stuck in here?' It's like that movie where that guy was buried alive; what was that called? Oh, right, **_**Buried Alive**_**. And then- and then there's **_**Buried Alive II.**_** How many of these movies must they make before people learn?"**

Finally, Claudia stepped in to save the patient from Sammie.

**"Sammie? Sammie, I'll finish up here. Why don't you go find something else to do?"**

**"'Kay,"** Sammie said as she handed the cart to Claudia. **"Hope you make it,"** she said as she got up and put a hand on the patient's shoulder.

With that, Sammie walked off, leaving the patient completely freaked out.

**"Mr. Lyles, relax. An MRI is nothing to be afraid of,"** Claudia reassured. **"But you sure won't catch me in one,"** she muttered to herself as she walked off.

In Exam Room Two, Rick was checking Mrs. Cooper's ears as Sammie opened the door and stuck her head in.

**"Doctor, do you need any help?"** Sammie whispered.

**"No,"** Rick whispered back.

**"Are you sure?"** Sammie whispered.

**"Yes,"** Rick whispered back.

**"Oh, no, I AM going deaf! I can hardly hear either one of you!"** Mrs. Cooper exclaimed in horror.

**"That's because we were whispering,"** Rick explained.

**"What don't you want me to know?"**

**"Nothing, nothing. Sammie, why don't you go have a cup of coffee?"**

**"I don't really drink coffee; can I have tea?"** Sammie asked.

**"You can have a shot and a beer; just get out of here!"** Rick retorted.

Sammie obeyed and closed the door.

**"Mrs. Cooper, I've looked in your ears; I-I can't see anything,"** Rick stated.

**"I am so relieved. But while I'm here..."**

**"Hmm?"**

**"...there was something on the news last night about five warning signs; I definitely have three of them: fatigue, sore joints and disorientation."**

**"Ho-hold on, hold on. Five warning signs f-for what?"**

**"I don't know; I walked into the room after the program started. I just have this feeling that something's terribly wrong with me."**

**"Well... no argument here,"** Rick muttered to himself.

Later that day

Rick entered Exam Room One to find his diabetic patient, Khyron Kravshera, yakking on his cellphone.

**"Mr. Kravshera, the pharmacist-"** Rick started.

Khyron shushed Rick then said into his cellphone, **"Well, tell her I got all my guys out there! Look, the fracking pipe burst; what makes her flooded basement so special? Okay, okay, I'll be there in twenty minutes," **he said as he hung up.** "All right, this won't take long, right? I gotta go see some broad's basement."**

**"Yeah, let me ask you something: what the hell were you thinking not picking up your pills?"** Rick asked as he tossed the pills to Khyron.

**"Oh, I, uh... you know, I don't like to put all these chemicals in my body,"** Khyron lied.

**"Yeah, yeah, clearly it's a temple,"** Rick deadpanned.

**"All right, look, I didn't get around to it."**

**"You were probably too busy having a heart attack."**

**"What?" **Khyron asked in surprise.

**"Oh, good, got your attention. Yeah, according to this EKG, since the last time you were here, you've had a small heart attack,"** Rick explained.

Khyron scoffed,** "You're nuts! I didn't feel anything."**

**"Well, it can happen that way, Mr. Kravshera, when you're severely diabetic. Now, I wanna see if your arteries are blocked, so I'm gonna schedule you for a treadmill test and maybe an angiogram."**

**"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, now you're staring with the tests? Look, this is just some scam you doctors run."**

**"Oh, yeah, yeah, it's a scam, all right, just like all the other things I prescribed that you chose to ignore like testing your blood sugar, low-fat diet, getting your exercise,"** Rick deadpanned.

**"Wow, that's a lot to remember."**

**"You remembered to keep smoking."**

**"Who says I'm smoking?"**

**"You're a lying, smoking bastard; I know because I'm one too,"** Rick explained as he tossed the chart onto the counter.** "Look, you know, right now, you're being stupid. You wanna be stupid AND dead?"**

**"You use that mouth with all your patients?"** Khyron asked.

**"Only the stupid ones!"** Rick shot back.** "Look, it's real simple, Mr. Kravshera: you're walking across the street, a bus is coming at ya, I'm trying to help you get out of the way! Even a five-year-old is smart enough to do that. You think you might take directions as well as a five-year-old?"**

**"You know what, I got some directions for you, pal! Why don't go straight to Hell, take a left at up yours, and make a right at kiss my ass?!"** Khyron exclaimed angrily as he stormed out of the exam room and out of the doctor's office with Rick following close behind.

**"Oh, that's brilliant! Yeah, that's just brilliant! You wanna die? Fine, go ahead and die; I could care less! It's okay with me!"** Rick yelled out as he slammed the door which is incapable of being slammed. He then approached Claudia and calmly asked, **"Ah, who's next, Claudia?"**

Claudia just rolled her eyes and shook her head at Rick.


	8. 1x02: Take These Pills & Shove 'Em! III

Later that day at the doctor's office

Rick is in his office, on the phone.

**"Well, when Mr. Kravshera gets back to the office, tell him to call Dr. Hunter, please. He told you to tell me that? Well, I'm a doctor and that's not physically possible. Just-just tell him it's important. Thank you."** He hung up the phone and saw Sammie walking by his office. **"Sammie, let me see you here for a second, will ya?"**

**"Sure," **Sammie replied as she entered the office. She grabbed Rick's air-horn and asked, **"What's this?"**

**"Ah, it's my air-horn,"** Rick said as he took the air-horn from Sammie and put it in his pocket. **"Um, please sit down."**

**"Oh no, not the 'please sit down' speech! I'm getting fired, aren't I? This is just the way it happened at all my other jobs: the temp agency, the movie theater, Super Cuts, the movie theater."**

**"Sammie, you're not getting fired; I just want to talk to you in private for a minute,"** Rick said as he gently pulled Sammie into the office and closed the door.

**"Oh no, this is the doughnut shop all over again! Dr. Hunter, I have a boyfriend!"** Sammie exclaimed as she held her hand to fend Rick off.

**"I'm not coming on to you!"**

**"Oh, then I don't have a boyfriend,"** Sammie said suddenly calm. **"Well, I did but we had a fight. You see, what happened was-"**

**"Sit down,"** Rick said as he sat in his desk chair whilst Sammie sat in the chair across from it. **"Now, listen to me: last night, I was on the phone for an hour with Mr. Lyles. He wanted to cancel his MRI; you scared him half to death."**

**"I didn't mean to."**

**"Well, you might not have meant to, but you did. I mean, here's a guy who's going in for a serious test and you're talking to him about being buried alive."**

**"You're right, I should put myself in the patient's shoes like you do."**

**"Right, right, like that."**

**"I'm sorry, doctor."**

**"No, it's all right."**

Sammie got up and started to leave but then stopped and turns back towards Rick and asked, **"Uh, when is Mrs. Schwartz having her gallbladder operation?"**

**"Tomorrow,"** Rick replied.

**"You may wanna call her,"** Sammie said as she exited the office.

Later that day

Claudia is at the computer as Rick exited his office.

**"Any other doctors call for Kravshera's records?"** Rick asked.

**"For the tenth time, no,"** Claudia retorted.

**"What the hell's he thinking? He has diabetes; he needs to be under a doctor's care!"**

**"We can't force him to take care of himself. We sent him the certified letter and I even included a list of other doctors in the area. It's up to him now,"** Claudia explained.

**"You know, I was just being honest with him, you know. I mean, I can't change medical facts for every person that walks in this place, am I right?"**

**"And how many times did you call him stupid?"**

**"That has nothing to do with it!"**

**"That has EVERYTHING to do with it. You're dealing with people, Rick; sometimes you have to be a little tactful."**

**"I don't have time to be tactful, Claudia! Am I wrong here?! A guy's crossing the street, a bus is about to hit him, I yell out at him to watch out!"**

**"You keep yelling at me like that, I'm gonna shove you in front of that bus, climb inside, get behind the wheel, and then back up over you again!" **Claudia threatened.

Rick threw his hands up and started to leave.

**"All right, all right, all right, but this is silly. If anyone calls for Kravshera or anything, let me know so we can get it straightened out, will ya?"** Rick asked as he grabbed his coat.

**"Absolutely."**

Rick walked out the door, stopped, and turned back to Claudia and asked, **"You'd really back up over me?"**

**"Only to put you out of your misery."**

**"Oh, well, thank you,"** Rick said as he exited the office.

Later that day at Lisa's Diner

Roy was sitting at the counter with a sculpture as Rick entered.

**"Hey, Roy, let me ask you something: say you're crossing the street and some guy yells at ya because you're about to be hit by a bus."**

**"What street?" **Roy asked.

**"What's the difference?"**

**"Well, Rick, I'm trying to help you here, so I-"**

**"Fine, fine, Eastman Road, you happy? The point is-"**

**"Is it a local or express?"**

**"What difference does it make?"**

**"Well, I wanna know how fast it's going. Now, if it's a local, I know it's gonna stop, but if it's an express, it's just gonna come barreling through-"**

**"I don't know what kind of bus it is, all right?"**

At this point, Lisa came out of the kitchen, serving food to customers.

**"Okay, fine, fine. So, I'm crossing the street, and here comes some kind of bus which may or may not be going fast enough to hit me, right?"** Roy asked.

**"You- Are- You know what? The bus was going faster than I thought; you're dead!"** Rick exclaimed in annoyance.

**"Okay, okay, but why does it have to be a blind, blonde guy crossing the street?"** Roy asked.

**"All right, all right, Roy, fine. It's a sighted guy with black hair crossing the street."**

**"Now, we're talking. Is he big and slow?"**

**"He's me, okay? I'm crossing the street!"** Rick yelled in exasperation.

**"Oh, well, that's easy: the bus hits you and nobody calls for help because everyone in this neighborhood knows you,"** Lisa joked smirking at Rick while Roy chuckled. **"So who'd you piss off this time, Hunter?"**

**"Some patient."**

**"You probably bored him with that bus story,"** Roy deadpanned.

**"No one's talking to you,"** Rick retorted.

**"You asked for my opinion,"** Roy pointed out.

**"Yeah, fat lot of good it did me!"** Rick shot back.

**"You have issues with blonde-haired men, don't you?"**

**"I didn't used to!"**

**"Hey, Beavis & Butt-Head, shut up!"** Lisa exclaimed.

**"All right, you know, I-I-I can't stand it anymore. What-what-what the hell is that thing?" **Rick asked staring at Roy's sculpture.

**"Oh, this? This is my sculpture from last night's class, you like it?"** Roy replied.

**"Well, it depends; what is it?"** Rick asked.

**"It's an abstract,"** Roy replied.

**"Then I'd say you nailed it,"** Rick retorted.** "Did you get any telephone numbers?"** he then asked with a grin.

**"Oh, yeah!"** Roy replied as he and Rick shared a laugh.

**"Horny guys and desperate women; it's the Renaissance all over again,"** Lisa deadpanned. **"What is that?" **she then asked as she saw Rick pull his air-horn out his pocket.

**"Ah, it's just my air-horn,"** Rick replied as he paid for his coffee. **"Uh, let me have a muffin there, will ya, Lisa? I gotta get back to the office and practice being tactful all afternoon," **he then said as he started to leave.

**"It's gonna take more than one afternoon!"** Roy retorted.

**"Go to Hell!"** Rick shot back as he walked out the door.

**"Good start!"** Lisa retorted. She then turned to Roy and said,** "Roy, I gotta be honest with you: I can't believe you're scamming on those women. You know, I thought you were a better person than that."**

**"You think I'm proud of myself for doing this? When I lost my sight, I had to accept a lot of things and-and one of them was that I might never be with a woman again."**

**"Look, Roy, I'm sorry, maybe I was too harsh-"** Lisa started to say apologetically.

**"No, no, when this first started off, it may have been a scam, but once I got into it, it became something else. They had a nude model there; I couldn't see her, but I sure could imagine her.** **This thing probably looks ridiculous to you, but to me, this is every woman I've ever been with.** **Right here, this a part on the small of her back where I'd rest my hand when we dance,"** Roy said feeling an indented area on the left side of the sculpture. **"And this: well, this is smooth like-like the slope of a bare shoulder," **he said feeling the upper right-hand corner of the sculpture. **"And this is that spot right behind a woman's ear where-where the smell of her perfume would just drive me insane,"** he said feeling a small indent in the middle of the sculpture.** "And** **right here... did you ever have a man kiss that little spot right behind your knee?" **he asked feeling the lower right-hand corner of the sculpture.

**"Oh, yeah,"** Lisa replied.

**"Well, maybe now you understand,"** Roy retorted.

Lisa nodded her head.

**"Wait a minute,"** Lisa laughed as she realized she'd been had. **"I can't believe I bought into this. You, never be with a woman again? You go out all the time!"**

**"And now you know why,"** Roy retorted as he and Lisa shared a laugh.

Later that day at the doctor's office

Rick entered and approached the front desk. as a patient went to sit in the waiting area.

**"Oh, hey, Mr. Angle, I'll be right with you,"** Rick said as he saw as a patient make his way to the waiting room. He then turned to Claudia and asked, **"Anything on Kravshera?"**

**"Rick, if anyone calls, I promise I'll tell you,"** Claudia replied as Rick took off his jacket and hung it up. **"In the meantime, Mrs. Cooper is in Room One."**

**"Cooper again? Well, it's nice to know we have something to count on besides death, taxes, and God talking to southerners with no teeth. What is it this time?"** Rick asked as he looked at the chart and headed for the exam room.

**"Who knows? Maybe she walked past a tree and thinks she has Dutch elm disease,"** Claudia retorted.

Rick entered Exam Room One to find Mrs. Cooper using his stethoscope on herself.

**"Mrs. Cooper?"**

**"Oh, doctor, I don't seem to be able to find my..."** Mrs. Cooper started to say as she pointed the stethoscope at the center of her chest. Rick moved the stethoscope over to where her heart is, causing her to smile and sigh in relief.

**"So, Mrs. Cooper, what seems to be your problem today?"**

**"Well, I was watching the news last night and there was a story about how power lines are giving people headaches and I have this headache so I was wondering-"**

**"It's not impossible. But, really, we have to have a talk,"** Rick said as he tossed the chart onto the counter and took the stethoscope from her. **"Mrs. Cooper, you have to turn off your television set."**

**"Is that what's giving me headaches?"**

**"No, it's what's giving ME headaches! Every time you watch a program, you're in here the next day with a new ailment. You gotta get a life, get a dog, dust off Mr. Cooper, make him take you dancing, anything! But you gotta stop coming in here with symptoms you don't have! For God's sake, leave some room for people who really are sick!"**

**"I'm sorry, Dr. Hunter. I won't bother you anymore,"** Mrs. Cooper said as she grabbed her purse and her coat and started to leave.

Rick realized what he'd done and tried a more tactful approach,** "Hey, uh, wait, wait, wait. I'm... perhaps I'm not being as tactful as I should be. Uh, I like you."**

**"I'd hate to see you if you didn't,"** Mrs. Cooper retorted.

**"All I'm trying to say is I wanna see you start spending you time LIVING your life instead of worrying about what might end it. I don't want you to stop coming here; I just want you to be... a little more sick when you do. Okay?"**

**"Okay,"** Mrs. Cooper replied as she started to leave again.

**"Ah, ah, you know, one more thing actually and this just something to think about: you know, there-there's stuff that goes on inside all of us that-that makes us act the way we do. Now that said, you might want to talk to a therapist; might be helpful,"** Rick suggested.

**"I've thought about it. Have you?"**

With that, Mrs. Cooper left.


	9. 1x02: Take These Pills & Shove 'Em! IV

That night at Khyron's house

The doorbell rang and Khyron went to answer it. It's Rick, making a house call.

**"The hell are you doing here?"** Khyron asked.

**"Mr. Kravshera, we need to talk."**

**"Huh. What, did you come to apologize?"**

**"Not really, but if it will move things along, I apologize."**

**"Oh, I don't wanna hear it."**

**"What the hell kind of game are you playing?! I'm here to save your life you big meatball! If you can't get-"** Rick started to say as Khyron shut the door in his face. Rick rang the doorbell again twice so Khyron reluctantly answered it again. **"I'm really, really trying here,"** Rick said calmly.

Just then, Khyron's wife, Azonia walked into the room saying, **"****Hey, we're about to have dinner; whatever you're selling, we ain't buying!"**

**"No, I'm not selling anything, Mrs. Kravshera; I'm Rick Hunter; until earlier this week, I was your husband's doctor. Are you aware of his condition?"**

**"She knows I'm never seeing you again,"** Khyron retorted.

**"Why is the doctor coming to our house? What didn't you tell me?"** Azonia asked as she smacked Khyron in the arm and let Rick in the house.

**"You're letting him in our house?"** Khyron asked incredulously.

**"It's my house too,"** Azonia retorted.

**"Not a day goes by that I'm not aware of that,"** Khyron shot back.

**"Can I get you something to drink?"** Azonia asked Rick.

**"No, no that's all-"** Rick started to say.

**"I made lemonade; I'll get you some lemonade,"** Azonia interrupted. **"Khyron, help me,"** she then said to her husband as she headed towards the kitchen.

**"He doesn't want any-"** Khyron started to say.

**"Khyron, I said 'help me!'"**

**"Thanks a lot!"** Khyron deadpanned to Rick.

**"Make yourself comfortable; we'll be right back!"** Azonia called out to Rick from the kitchen.

**"Mrs. Kravshera, that's really not ne-"** Rick started to say.

**"Make yourself comfortable!"**

We stay with Rick in the living room.

**"What the hell are you doing giving him a lemonade?"** Khyron asked Azonia incredulously from the kitchen.

**"What am I doing giving him a lemonade? You know, you and I are going to have to have a little talk, mister! Things are gonna change around here."**

As the argument ensued, Rick walked up to what looked a plate of chips, picked up one of the plate's contents, put it in his mouth and bit down on it, almost chipping his tooth.

**"Oh, God..."** Rick exclaimed as he pulled the culprit out his mouth and put it back on the plate whilst the argument from the kitchen continued.

**"I'm the king of this house, not you!"** Khyron said to Azonia.

**"You ain't the king of nothing, let me tell you!"** Azonia shot back. **"Here you go, doctor!"** she then said as she came back to the living room with a glass of lemonade for Rick with Khyron following behind her.

**"Oh, thank you,"** Rick said as he accepted the glass of lemonade. **"Uh, listen, uh, about your husband's condition, the-"**

**"The diabetes, yeah, I know about it,"** Azonia replied.

**"Yeah, see, she knows about it so you can drink up and get out!"** Khyron said.

**"Here, sit down,"** Azonia said as she sat Rick down on the love seat next to her.

**"Mrs. Kravshera, I'm sure you care about your husband a great deal."** She gave him a rather passive nod. He then looked at Khyron and said, **"Di-didn't you tell her what happened?"**

**"Nothing! Eh, this jerk says I had heart attack."**

**"A heart attack?! How could you not tell me that?"** Azonia asked her husband incredulously.

**"I forgot! I mean, you know, I DO have a plumbing business to run!"** Khyron shot back.

**"You know, I think you're spending too much time with your head in people's toilets,"** Azonia retorted.

**"Hey, hey, hey, those toilets put food on your table!"** Khyron shot back, causing Rick to spit his sip of lemonade back into the glass.

**"Ooh, how the hell could you not tell me you had a heart attack?!"** Azonia barked at her husband. **"So, you were saying, doctor?"** she then asked Rick sweetly.

**"I was about to ask you if you were any good at nagging but I-I think we're there,"** Rick replied causing Khyron to roll his eyes.** "Um, the-the point is your husband's condition needs monitoring.** **Now, there's a doctor in the neighborhood who's excellent and I've told him about your husband's condition; he'd be happy to take care of him,"** he then said as he pulled a piece of paper out of his jacket pocket and handed it to Azonia.

**"No, no, no, no, no, I'm not going to some quack he recommended!"** Khyron protested.

**"You're going, Khyron! Doctor asked; end of story,"** Azonia ordered to her husband. **"I'd like to thank you very much for coming by, doctor,"** she then said sweetly to Rick.

**"It was just something I felt I needed to do,"** Rick replied as he got up and started to leave.

**"You know, if you'd like to stay for dinner, we're having some ravioli with some nice homemade sausages,"** Azonia offered.

**"Neither of which is on his diet,"** Rick pointed out.

**"Come on! Her cooking is the only perk in this marriage I got left!"** Khyron complained.

**"I'm standing right here!"** Azonia shot back.

**"I see you."**

The next two lines of dialogue are said simultaneously.

**"Don't start with me tonight because I'm gonna make your life more miserable than it is now!"**

**"No, don't you start with me because you know what? You've been a thorn in my side since the day I met you!"**

**"Hey, hey, hey. Hey, listen to me,"** Rick stepped in and broke up the argument. **"I know why you wanna kill him,"** he said to Azonia. **"And now I know why you wanna die,"** he said to Khyron.** "Best of luck to both of you."**

With that, Rick exited the house, leaving Khyron and Azonia to bitch about him.

Later that night at Rick's Apartment

Rick is reading a book while eating Chinese food when his phone started to ring. He answered the phone and said, **"****Hello?** **Excuse me? Am I interested in changing my long distance carrier?" **He then took his air-horn and blared it into the speaking end of the phone. **"Thanks for calling."**

With that, he hung up and resumed his dinner and reading.


	10. 1x03: Sex in the Inner City, Part One

**EPISODE 1x03: SEX IN THE INNER CITY**

Rick's Apartment

_Rick is on the sofa making out with a beautiful blonde woman named Darla. He managed to get Darla's shirt off before she pulled away to look at him._

**_"Rick, there's something you should know about me,"_**_ she said._

**_"Whatever it is, it's okay,"_**_ Rick replied reassuringly._

**_"You see, when I have sex, I tend to be, well, kind of__ vocal__,"_**_ Darla explained._

**_"No problem,"_**_ Rick assured._

**_"No, no, no, I-I mean very, very vocal."_**

**_"I'm a good listener."_**

**_"Okay."_**

_With that, they resumed their lovemaking. Rick's lips made their way to Darla's chest when all of a sudden, ____foreign guy's music started playing and _Darla started moaning to the music.  


Just then, Rick woke up on his sofa with a jolt, having only dreamed about being with Darla. He looked around the apartment and then looked over at his window to find foreign guy playing his music loudly again. Irritatedly, Rick got up from the sofa and went over to the window.

**"Hey, foreign guy! Whatever you're doing to the goat is not my idea of an alarm clock! Knock it off!"**

With that, Rick made his way back to the sofa exclaiming, **"Ow, jeez!"**

The next morning at Lisa's Diner

Roy is at the counter running the diner for Lisa. A car horn was blaring just as Rick walked in.

**"Hey, too damn bad! Drive around me, you idiot!"** Rick yelled at the person laying into their car horn.

**"There's my morning star!"** Roy exclaimed with a smile.

**"Yeah, I tell you something, Roy, you ever want to get rid of all the stupid drivers in Macross, put a cannon on my car 'cause sooner or later, they all find me,"** Rick said as he retrieved his cigarettes from the cash register. **"I'm backing into the space out front, right, MY space and some idiot swings right in ahead of me."**

**"So you pulled back and you blocked him in."**

**"Damn right I did!" **Rick said as he sat at the counter.** "I'm taking up half the street; cars gotta go into traffic to get around me. They can kiss my ass 'cause I'm not moving. Ooh! What ever happened to common courtesy?"** Then as he lit up his cigarette, Rick asked, **"Where's Lisa?" **

**"Out jogging; I'm in charge!"** Roy replied as he poured Rick a cup of coffee.

**"Have any idea what you're doing back there?"**

**"Hey, I made a lot of coffee before I lost my sight."**

**"Whoa, apparently, you had a little bit of it left over, too,"** Rick grimaced as took a sip of his coffee.

Just then, Lisa came jogging into the diner saying, **"Hey, Hunter, some guy ripped your antenna off and he's beating on your car with it."**

**"Doesn't matter; I don't have a radio,"** Rick retorted as he grabbed the newspaper. **"I don't know what your father told you about running a diner, but I'll bet Rule #1 wasn't 'get a blind guy to make the coffee'."**

**"You know, between your big mouth and that cigarette, you're offending what few senses I have left,"** Roy retorted humorlessly.

**"I'm sorry, Hunter, but I can't start my morning without my run,"** Lisa explained as she came back from the kitchen with a water bottle and an orange. **"You ought to try it yourself; it could ease some of that stress."**

**"Oh, yeah, running, great idea,"** Rick deadpanned. **"There's only one reason to run: if you're being chased or if you're on fire; otherwise it's dumb."**

**"Just a suggestion."**

**"You know, every day, I see the same guy jogging around the track at the high school; his dog just sits there and watches him. One of them's running; one of them's not; the one who's not gets his poop picked up by the other one. You tell me who's smarter."**

**"You're a doctor. You wouldn't tell a patient to get exercise?"**

**"I DO tell my patients to get exercise and they don't. Nice little game we play."**

**"Look, forget it. I'll get you your eggs. Eggs, cigarettes, and no exercise; at least you won't be bugging me for long."**

With that, Lisa went back into the kitchen with her orange.

**"You know, Rick, you got it all wrong, running's great,"** Roy explained. **"I miss it. It's always good for relieving sexual tension, too."**

**"Yeah, what do you do about that now?"**

**"The sexual tension? I have sex. Being blind doesn't keep you from having sex."**

**"Actually, with my last wife, it would've helped."**

**"But, you know, some times... well if there's not a woman around, well... how do I put this?"**

**"You run in place?"**

**"Well, I HAVE already gone blind."**

Rick and Roy chuckled at that.


	11. 1x03: Sex in the Inner City, Part Two

Later that day at the doctor's office

The place is overheating and Sammie is wearing a skimpy dress.

**"Sammie, I thought I told you to put a lab coat on over that,"** Claudia scolded as she gave Sammie new charts to stamp.

**"Oh, come on, Claudia, I did but it's too hot,"** Sammie complained.

**"The radiator's overheating again; the repair man's on the way. In the meantime, cover up. This is a doctor's office; not a disco, or 'Haircuts by Hippies' or whatever the name of that place was you worked before."**

**"Doctor Hunter said I could wear whatever I want."**

**"In the first place, I guarantee he wasn't listening to you. And in the second place, you work for me and so does he; he just doesn't know it,"** Claudia retorted. She then added as she gave Sammie an envelope containing an X-ray,** "Oh for God's sake, girl, take a little pride in yourself."**

**"Yes, ma'am,"** Sammie replied as she took the X-ray. She got up to take the X-ray back then stopped and said, **"Just for your information, the place I worked before is called Super Cuts; part of a respected national chain and the fact that I didn't work out there wasn't their fault, thank you very much."**

With that, Sammie walked off to the back with the X-ray, leaving Claudia to shake her head. Then, Rick walked in, picked up a small chair and put it back under the small magazine table where it belonged, all while saying, **"Hi, good morning."**

**"You're late!"** Claudia exclaimed.

**"I know, I know. Some schmuck in a Hyundai took my space in front of the diner."**

**"And you had to block him in with your car. What happened?"**

**"He tried to ram his way out; fat chance. Whoa, why is it so hot in here?"**

**"Oh, the radiator's on the fritz again. I called; they're sending a repair man over."**

**"Well, it's boiling; when's he getting here?"** Rick asked as he started walking towards Exam Room One.

**"Ha, he's a repair man; you've got a better chance of pinning down what day Jesus is coming back,"** Claudia retorted as she gave Rick his charts and stethoscope.

**"Bag lady on the corner says Thursday."**

With that, Rick entered Exam Room Two to find a beautiful green-haired woman named Miriya Parina-Sterling waiting for him.

**"Miriya, what's super-mom doing here?"**

**"My husband and I were driving to the AMP last night and had an accident. Took a little blow to the back of my head."**

**"Oh, well, let's see what we got here."**

**"Okay."**

Rick started examining Miriya's head with his hands.

**"Ooh, wow! Yeah, you got quite a bump. How do you hit the back of your head while driving?"**

**"I don't know. I was, uh, turned around."**

**"You were turned around while you were driving? That's new."**

**"Well, we weren't exactly driving... and okay, we weren't on our way to the AMP; the car was parked."**

**"It was parked? Well- well what were you doing?"**

Miriya answered Rick's question by flashing a perverted smile at him and giggling.

**"What?"** Rick asked in response. He then registered Miriya's smile and asked, **"Is that look what I think it is?"**

**"Max and I got a little carried away,"** Miriya explained, still smiling.

**"Miriya! What are you, a teenager? In a parked car? Wha- what's wrong with, uh, the bedroom?"**

**"Well, YOU have five kids and try to find a moment alone! You wouldn't believe some of the places Max and I have to sneak off to."**

**"Yeah, well, spare me the tour. Good to see you again, Miriya. You've got a simple contusion; just go home put some ice on it."**

**"Directly on my head?"**

**"Yeah, that too."**

With that, Rick exited the exam room, leaving Miriya to smile and giggle again.

Just as Rick exited Exam Room Two, Sammie approached him and asked, **"Doctor, do you have a problem with these?"**

**"These?"** Rick asked incredulously.

**"These clothes,"** Sammie elaborated. **"Claudia says that anyone who goes around dressed like this has no self respect."** As Sammie said that, Rick rolled his eyes, put Miriya's chart away and walked to the men's restroom. Sammie followed him and stuck her foot in the restroom door to keep it open while saying, **"And I'm not saying I'm the capitol of self respect, but I feel pretty good about myself. I mean, the clothes I wear I have no effect on the way I do my job. Sure if I wear a suit of magnets, then metal stuff will just come flying at me, so I don't."** Rick then exited the restroom and made his way to Exam Room One. Sammie followed him the whole way while saying, **"What my point is is that if I had to go out and buy a whole bunch of other stuff, well, it'd cost me a lot and I couldn't do that on what I'm making here, and I'm not asking you for more money, although if you offered it to me, I wouldn't turn it down. WOW! I just asked for a raise! Cool!"**

**"Wear what you want; no raise; go away,"** Rick said dismissively.

Sammie walked off as Rick entered Exam Room One to find a male patient with the top part of his shirt unbuttoned waiting for him.

**"Mr., eh, Morello, Rick Hunter,"** Rick introduced himself, shaking Mr. Morello's hand.

**"Nice to meet you, doctor."**

**"Nice to meet you, too. You're here for a physical?"**

**"Aw, that's just what told your nurse. All I need is for you to refill a prescription for me, no big deal, just... Viagra."**

**"Mr. Morello, are you impotent?"**

**"Oh, God, no! I'm divorced; I'm beginning to get around a little, if you know what I mean. See, I got a different date every night of the week; it seems only fair that Friday gets the same quality as Monday."**

**"Then my advice to you is to sleep all day Thursday."**

**"Hey, come on, my other doctor wouldn't prescribe anymore; I NEED this stuff! With Viagra, I'm like a seventeen-year-old boy again."**

**"Look, Viagra is a treatment for a very specific and very serious condition. Ever since it came out, I have had every middle-aged Lothario with hair growing out of his ears sleasing in here, begging for a booster shot. You think I'm gonna hand you a loaded gun so you can go on a rampage? You're out of your mind, pal!"**

**"Come on, doc, I wa- I- look, I was married for fifteen years. I feel like I've been on the bench forever; now I'm back in the game. I mean, please, doc, give me the bat!"**

**"You just ruined baseball for me, you know that? And- and button your shirt, you're making me sick."**

With that, Rick exited the exam room, leaving Mr. Morello looking at his shirt.

Outside, Exam Room One, Claudia was restocking the medical supplies when Rick exited the exam room and approached her.

**"What is this, National Sex Day?"** Rick asked. **"I got a woman doing it in parked car, this clown wants Viagra; everybody I see this morning has sex on the brain."**

**"Not me. I got up at six this morning, made breakfast, took two trains so I can get here to be in this heat. I'm clear,"** Claudia retorted.

Just then, a repair man walked in to look at the radiator.

**"Ah, hey, you showed up; that's very nice of you,"** Rick deadpanned.

**"Hey, we said we'd be out by nine; it's almost eleven; that's not bad,"** the repair man replied.

**"That's two hours. I get some kind of break in the price?"** Rick shot back.

**"I'll make it up to you with a free oven mitt,"** the repair man retorted. He then looked at the radiator and said, **"You've got a really old system here; the pipes are clogged. You've gotta let off the pressure or the system won't handle it. Does that make sense?"**

**"Just send the oven mitt."**

With that, the repair man walked off. Claudia came back carrying a chart for Rick.

**"Uh, Marvin Johnson is waiting in your office."**

**"Why? What's wrong? We- we didn't schedule him for today, did we?"**

**"No, no, nothing's wrong. I called ********Macross General; his T-cell count is stable. He just came in this morning on his way to school and said he wanted to talk to you.**"

**"Oh, well, after my morning, it'll be refreshing to talk to a seven-year-old."**

With that, Rick entered his office to find MJ sitting in the office chair, looking at Rick's medical book.

**"Hey, MJ, how are you doing?"**

**"Where do you babies come from?"** MJ asked bluntly.

Rick heaved a sigh and lied, **"Europe."** He then sat in the other chair and asked, **"Anything else?"**

**"I'm kinda worried. My brother told me if I see a girl naked then she's gonna have a baby. Yesterday, I saw my cousin, Francine, naked. I don't wanna have a baby with her; she's mean!"**

**"Well, they all are, kid. Come here, come here. Let me- let me, uh, let me talk to you for a second. Now, I'm a doctor, right, MJ? I've seen- I've seen LOTS of naked women; I don't have any children."**

**"Yeah, that's true. What's YOUR problem?"**

**"Look, next time your brother lays some theories on you, I want you to come see me first, okay?"**

**"Thanks, that makes me feel better."**

**"Good. Nice to see you ALWAYS. Anything else I can do for you?"**

**"Well, while I got you, how DO you get a baby?"**

**"Ah, well, MJ, uh, a man and a woman can only have a baby when they love each other very much."**

**"Okay. What's sex?"**

**"Sex is what they use against each other when they don't."**

With that, Rick pulled MJ out of the office chair and walked him to the door.


	12. 1x03: Sex in the Inner City, Part Three

Later that day at Lisa's Diner

Rick walked in to hear what was clearly Lisa's voice in the kitchen saying, **"Yes, oh, yes! OH, YES!"** Rick turned to Bob, who was sitting at the counter listening intently, and asked, **"Who's back there?"**

**"Shh, who cares? Imagine whoever you want,"** Bob replied.

Rick sat at the counter as Lisa walked out of the kitchen with a bowl of lemons, heaving a relaxed sigh. She turned to see Rick and Bob sitting at the counter and asked, **"How long have you two guys been out here?"**

**"Long enough,"** Bob retorted.

Just then, Roy walked out of the kitchen, looking extremely pleased with himself.

**"So, what the hell was THAT about?"** Rick asked Lisa and Roy.

Lisa looked at Roy and then back at Rick and said, **"Oh, please! Roy was massaging my shoulders. Some times, I tighten up after a run and he has great hands."**

**"Yeah, all that reading I do keeps 'em limber,"** Roy added with a smile.

**"You actually thought I was having sex in there with Roy?!"** Lisa asked incredulously.

**"Hey!"** Roy exclaimed, offended.

**"Not that I wouldn't fool around with Roy,"** Lisa placated.

**"Roy is back,"** Roy said smugly, causing Lisa to roll her eyes.

**"I'm saying I wouldn't do it in the kitchen with all the food; that's disgusting! So... what do you wanna eat, Hunter?"**

**"Now? Nothing!"** Rick replied.

**"Man, you are some of the most uptight people I have ever met,"** Roy said as he sat at the counter next to Rick. **"You think making it in the kitchen is weird, try Grant's Tomb."**

**"You did it on Grant's Tomb?"** Lisa asked.

**"Well, not ON Grant's Tomb; I'm not gonna do it on somebody's resting place,"** Roy explained. **"We got naked and fooled around in that little park down there. What kind of freak do you think I am?"**

**"I can do you one better than that,"** Bob said. **"How about the bridge of the SDF-1?"**

**"Get out!"** Roy exclaimed.

**"Made love to my new girlfriend up there,"** Bob said.

**"I don't believe you!"**

**"I swear on my wife's head."**

**"Having sex in public places is very exciting,"** Lisa said. **"And the fear of getting caught adds that real... erotic kick."** All three guys, including the blind Roy, stared at her. **"Or so I've read."**

Bob turned to Rick and asked, **"What about you, sir? What's your most interesting place?"**

**"I don't know you people well enough to talk about something like that,"** Rick replied. He then turned to Bob and said, **"And I don't know YOU at all."**

**"I shared with you,"** Bob pointed out.

**"Look, I did not come here to talk about sex; my most interesting place is none of your business! What the Hell's going on today?"**

Rick then got up from the counter and walked over to table two to cream his coffee.

**"Why're you getting all bet out of shape, man? I mean, we're just... talking about a natural thing."** Bob said.

**"Yeah, Rick, it's no biggie,"** Roy added.

**"I don't like talking about it, all right?"** Rick said.

**"Maybe there's not anything much to talk about,"** Bob suggested.

**"I have PLENTY to talk about, you know? Who knows? Maybe, I've taken a woman to Mount Rushmore and done it up Lincoln's nose. But you're never gonna find out because I keep those things to myself,"** Rick explained.

**"I say he's horny as a toad,"** Bob said.

**"Shut up, will ya?"** Rick shot back as he sat down at table one.

**"You DO sound a little defensive, Hunter,"** Lisa said.

**"Yeah, even I can see that,"** Roy added.

**"I'm not talking about this!"** Rick exclaimed adamantly. **"You know, people spend so much time TALKING about sex, they can't- they can't possibly be getting as much as they say they are. They're too busy calling talk shows or typing in chat rooms or sitting around diners swapping stories about the weirdest place they ever did it."** He then got up, put his coffee cup on the counter, turned to Bob and incredulously asked, **"********The SDF-1?**"

**"Sue me, I'm a patriot,"** Bob retorted.

**"Listen, just 'cause I live alone and- and work long hours and eat most of my meals sitting right here does not mean... what you think it means, you know? I'm fine, I'm just- just fine. You wanna sit around here and debase yourself all day? Go ahead. I've got better things to do."**

With that, Rick exited the diner.

**"Let's not let him in here anymore,"** Bob suggested, getting an eye roll from Lisa.

Later that day at the doctor's office

Sammie emerged from the women's restroom wearing literally nothing but a lab coat.

**"Okay, Claudia, I'm wearing the lab coat, just like you told me to."**

**"Are you wearing anything UNDER it?"**

Sammie threw her hands up in frustration and went back to the restroom. Rick entered the doctor's office.

**"Claudia, here's a tip for ya: keep your kids out of our national monuments. Who's up?"**

**"Uh, new patient in Room Two and a walk-in form the gym down the street."**

**"Yeah, what room?"**

**"Right behind you."**

Rick turned around to find a blonde woman named Nicole sitting in one of the chairs.

**"Oh, hi, Nicole, Dr. Rick Hunter, come on back,"** Rick said, shaking Nicole's hand.

**"Actually, I'm having trouble putting weight on my leg. Could you help me?"**

**"Uh, sure. How'd this happen?"** Rick asked as helped Sydney up to her feet and led her toward Exam Room Three.

**"I am so embarrassed. I was teaching a body sculpting class and fell and twisted my ankle. I'm not too heavy for you, am I?"**

**"No, no, you're fine."**

Just then, the repair man walked up to Rick, sweating from head to toe, and asked, **"Hey, doc, when was the last time you had it serviced?"**

**"Excuse me?"**

**"Your system. How long's it been since you blew your pipes out?"**

**"I- I have no idea. Just- just fix it."**

With that, the repair man went back to the radiator and Rick resumed taking Nicole to Exam Room Three.

**"This has never happened**. **I never get hurt; I'm the most flexible woman you will ever meet," **Nicole explained as she entered the exam room.

**"Ah, well, that- that's nice. Go ahead and put that gown on. No, shut the door!"**

The door closed and Rick went over to Exam Room Two. He was about to open the door when he stopped himself to look at the chart. **"Whoa, where am I? Ah, eczema, thank You, God."** He then went into the exam room only to find an extremely hot woman waiting for him. **"Oh, brother!"**

**"Doctor, thank you for seeing me. Look, I don't know how this started, but I have GOT to get rid of it."**

**"Well, let's just, uh, see what we can do here."** He then picked up the chart and said, **"Uh, Carmen. I don't have a last name for you here."**

**"Well, that's my name. I'm known only as Carmen."**

**"Ah, well, uh, does your insurance company know you only as Carmen... Carmen?"**

**"I'm paying cash."**

**"Well, then to Hell with those bastards,"** Rick said as he put the chart down. **"Um... so where's the, uh, where's the problem?"**

**"Well, see this here on the back of my neck? It's like this all over. Between my breasts, on my thigh. Do you want me to take my clothes off?"**

**"No, hold it, hold it, um, we'll just work our way down- I mean, uh, no, we'll take our time- just... no."** He then turned on the operating lamp and began looking at Carmen's neck.

**"I have GOT to keep my skin perfect. I'm a dancer."**

**"Ah, Broadway?"**

**"No, lap. See, I work close up and every night I miss means a lot of money to me."**

**"Uh, yes, yeah, I'm sure. Uh, well, you're- you're right, you DO have eczema. Uh, do you use, uh, moisturizer?"**

**"Every day. After I shower, lotion my whole body. I start at my ankles and I slowly massage it in all the way up to my legs."**

Rick went to wash his hands as Carmen was talking, but what she was saying caused him to turn the water on full, causing it splash out of the sink. Rick immediately turned the water off saying, **"Sorry."** He then grabbed some paper towels to dry his hands while saying, **"Excuse me."** He then dried off his hands and said, **"You know, uh, what causes this a lot is, uh, stress. Anything out of the ordinary going on with you?"**

**"Yeah... I have eczema."**

**"Right. Right, right. Uh, I meant are you under a lot of, uh, a lot of stress?"**

**"Well, I dance six nights a week. I mean, that's stressful enough. Oh, sometimes I just wish I could get away for a couple of days with someone. Out of the city where no one knows us. Be together, no strings attached, and just... let it out!"** she chuckled. **"Go wild! Everyone needs a little of that once in a while, don't you think?"**

**"Oh, I'm with you there. I mean, yes, no, absolutely right."** He then cleared his throat.

**"Do want to see the rest?"** Carmen asked as she attempted to take her shirt off.

**"No- oh, no, no-no, that won't be necessary,"** Rick replied as he went to the drawer and pulled out a vile of Cortizone Ointment. **"Uh, Carmen, I tell you what, this is, uh, uh, Cortizone Ointment. Why don't you go ahead and just apply that to... all the... areas that... need application?"**

With that, Rick quickly exited the exam room and made a beeline for his office. The repair man approached Rick again, this time with his work shirt off.

**"I'm glad you got me over here, doc. Your system is getting ready to blow!"**

**"Stay away from me!"**

Rick then went into the office, flipped through the Rolodex on his desk and called the number he was looking for.

**"Uh, Dr. Kino, please? Dr. Hunter calling. Lita, hi, Rick Hunter. I- I know it's been a long time since I called, but I- I've been thinking about you... lately and, um... I just thought... you know, I thought... would you like to go out to dinner, you know? Catch a movie? Catch up a little? No, that- that's true, I- I-I do want to do that too, but... it wou- wouldn't- it wouldn't stop me from seeing a movie first, you know? Not- not a real long one. Well, you- you're the one who said it was just physical! Well, fine! You know, fine! Just remember, next time you need me... just... give me a call."** He then face-palmed himself.

Claudia knocked and then opened the door.

**"What's going on? You're falling behind."**

**"Ah, I'm just... a little preoccupied, Claudia,"** Rick replied as he hung up the phone.

**"Anything you wanna talk about?"**

**"Uh, it's nothing I'm really comfortable discussing. Who's next?"**

**"Oh, the, uh, Parker sisters. You know, those busty twins that shake it all over the neighborhood."**

**"Yeah, let me- let me guess: they both came in with chest colds?"**

**"How did you know that?"**

**"Been one of those days, Claudia."**

With that, Rick exited the office.


	13. 1x03: Sex in the Inner City, Part Four

That night at Rick's apartment

Rick walked in carrying his medical book, his mail and Chinese takeout. He looked over at his window to find foreign guy playing his music again. He dropped all the stuff he was carrying onto the couch and ran over to the window.

**"Hey, foreign guy, give it a rest!"** He then saw foreign guy and woman starting to make love through the curtain. **"Oh, look at that. Even Kodavi's got a girl!"**

Rick then shut his window, went over to the couch with his Chinese takeout and turned on the TV.

**"Hi,"** a sexy female voice on the TV said. **"I'm Tiffany. Call me. I wanna tell you things I've never told anyone. Oh, hot, nasty th-"**

Rick's eyes bulged upon seeing this, so he changed the channel.

**"If you want firm, shapely, sexy buns, I mean, just look at these,"** another female voice on the TV said.

Rick changed the channel again.

**"Jerry, I don't think 'nymphomaniac' is a bid enough word to describe me,"** another female voice on the TV said.

Rick changed the channel again.

**"And in our final story for tonight, we'd like to wish a special Happy Birthday to Hazel Meyers. Today, the oldest woman in Macross is 106 years old."**

**"And not looking too bad, either,"** Rick said as he watched the report. He then realized what he said and rolled his eyes at himself.

Later that night in the streets of Rick's neighborhood

Rick decided to go for a run around the block, remembering what Roy said about running being good for relieving sexual tension. Lisa was walking the opposite direction Rick was going, carrying a pair of grocery bags, when she saw Rick running her way.

**"Hunter?"** she asked in amusement.

**"Don't say a word!"** Rick angrily replied as he ran past her.

Lisa smiled at Rick in amusement as she walked off while Rick continued his run.


	14. Episode 1x04: Tell Me Lies, Part One

**EPISODE 1x04: TELL ME LIES  
**

Lisa's Diner

Roy was at the newsstand, counting his money. A customer was paying for his breakfast and was just about to leave when Rick came blowing in the door, carrying a stack of medical books.

**"Roy, let me give you a little tip: whatever you do, never, ever go to a hospital! You got a problem, throw yourself in front of a train; it's quicker, it's cheaper, and it's a Hell of a lot less paperwork!"** He started to head for the counter, stopped, and the went back to the newsstand to buy a newspaper. **"A patient of mine went to the hospital this morning for surgery; by the time I get there, he's gone."**

**"Oh, Rick, I'm sorry."**

**"No, he's not dead; he's GONE; they LOST him! They physically lost the entire person!"** He paid for his newspaper and went back to the counter.** "Oh, yeah, they can keep track of their $25 aspirins and their $40 q-tips, but apparently, poor, unconscious Mr. Barelli was just a little too slippery for 'em!"** Roy grinned in humor as Rick set the stuff he was carrying onto the counter, took his jacket off, and sat down at the counter with his newspaper.** "But at least it was all worthwhile. When I got Mr. Barelli up to his room, he found the perfect way to thank me: he threw up all over my shoes."** He then started to read his newspaper as Roy chuckled.** "So, how's your day?"**

**"Still blind."**

**"Yup, you win again."** Just then, Lisa came out of the kitchen, wearing rubber gloves. **"Oh, hey, Lisa! Get me one of my cigarettes there, will ya?"**

**"You know, I'm getting a little sick of you stashing your bad habit in my cash register!"** Lisa angrily said as she took a pack of cigarettes out of the cash register and slammed it on the counter in front of Rick. **"You wanna smoke, smoke; you wanna quit, quit. Just stop wasting my time with this ridiculous self-delusional game!"** She then stormed back into the kitchen.

**"I don't know what happened to you this morning, but someone threw up on me!"** Rick called in her direction.

**"Hey, she bit my head off too, which actually makes no sense. I mean, you I get, you're an opinionated loudmouth, but me... I'm lovable,"** Roy said as he sat at the counter next to Rick.

**"You know what I'm doing right now?"** Rick asked.

**"Hmm?"** Roy replied.

**"I'm giving you the finger,"** Rick said, NOT giving Roy the finger.

**"Rick, I'm blind, I'm poor, and I run a newsstand in Macross. God gave me the finger long before you ever did,"** Roy retorted as Rick chuckled.


	15. Episode 1x04: Tell Me Lies, Part Two

Lisa's Diner

Continuing the previous scene: Lisa came out of the kitchen to fill the coffee machine. Rick saw her and blatantly said rudely, **"Hey, what do you gotta do to get a cup of coffee around here?"**

Lisa took the metal coffee filter, which she just filled, and put it on a plate in front of Rick while saying, **"Here. Might be a little strong."**

Rick looked at the coffee filter and spoke up, **"You know, I can't help but notice you're acting a little- what's that word you used, Roy- oh, yeah, bitchy."**

**"I never said that. I agree, but I never said that,"** Roy clarified.

**"I'm sorry, you guys. I got a letter that kind of upset me this morning, but I'm working it out,"** Lisa explained.

**"Anything you wanna talk about?"** Rick asked.

**"No, it's personal."**

**"Enough said. Personal, got it."**

**"Thank you."**

**"You're welcome. Now when you say 'personal', Lisa, do you-?"**

**"Hunter!"**

**"Wha- what's your problem? I mean, I share with you; I come in here every day and I- I tell you everything that's on my mind."**

**"I know, and I wish you'd stop."**

**"That's not the point. The point is you've been here a couple of months, you know lots about us and we know absolutely nothing about you."**

**"Well, maybe that's because I don't want you to know anything."**

**"Yeah, how do we get you past that?"**

**"You know, when you father was alive, we used to sit here and talk for hours,"** Roy chimed in.

**"And now I know what killed him,"** Lisa retorted. **"You're just gonna sit there all day until I tell you, aren't you?"**

**"I could rearrange my schedule,"** Rick said to Roy.

**"Hey, let's face it, where am I going, huh?"** Roy retorted.

**"Okay, it's about a guy,"** Lisa started.

**"Isn't it always?"** Rick asked as Roy chuckled.

**"I met him when I first moved to Miami, summer of '91. Ball player, you know, with the Marlins,"** Lisa continued.

**"Okay, now this is getting good. Who was it?"** Roy asked.

**"No, hey, come on, don't be nosy. ****She'll tell us when she's ready."** Rick admonished. He then asked Lisa,** "Who?"**

**"Never mind that,"** Lisa said. **"We kinda hit it off and what can I say? Two weeks later, we were living together, which we did for seven years. I wanted to get married and he was a little afraid of commitment."**

**"Infield or outfield?"** Roy asked.

**"Oh, please, Roy, will ya? Go- go on,"** Rick said.

**"Well, then my father got sick and I came up here to help out. And this morning, I got a letter; he met someone else and he's getting married,"** Lisa explained. **"Guess he worked out those commitment issues. So, If I'm not myself today, you know, that's why."**

**"Oh, that's bad, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. That's real, real bad. That sucks, I'm sorry,"** Rick and Roy mumbled simultaneously, causing Lisa to roll her eyes and walk back to the kitchen.

**"Now that I see how hard she took it, I'm kinda sorry I went along with you on this,"** Rick said, getting an annoyed look from Roy.

Later that day at the doctor's office

Claudia is pleading on the phone with the medical supply person.

**"Look, Mr. Slovaski, we're a doctor's office; we need those supplies! Things are a little tight this month; can't you extend us some credit? When you're done laughing, we can continue. Now that's better."**

Just then, Rick entered the doctor's office, looking over at a road crew that was doing work right outside the office.

**"They're out there again, Claudia. That slack ass road crew that follows me around the city."**

**"I'm on the phone!"**

**"Look at this, look at this, one guy with a jackhammer, fourteen others eating meatball sandwiches!"** Rick said as he went to the window to observe the road crew. **"Yeah, you don't see any of them holding up a 'men working' sign either; none of 'em can do it with a straight face."**

**"Mr. Slovaski, I'm gonna have to get back to you,"** Claudia said as she hung up the phone.

**"Slovaski? Medical supply guy? Well, you- you really need to talk to him, Claudia,"** Rick said.

**"Why didn't I think of that?"** Claudia deadpanned, glaring at Rick.

**"Well, let's get on the ball around here; we're running out of everything: syringes, swabs, tongue depressors. Is it too much to ask you to keep this place supplied?"**

**"Don't you use that tone with me, Rick Hunter. We don't have the MONEY to order supplies."** She then turned to a patient and said, **"Mr. DeSantro?"** The patient in question stood up and followed Claudia to Exam Room Two. **"Maybe you forgot, but we had to repair the X-ray machine and I thought it might be a nice idea to pay your malpractice insurance!"** she yelled out loud for Rick to hear. Mr. DeSantro looked at her weirdly and she said to him, **"It's okay, they make everyone get it."** With that, Mr. DeSantro disappeared into the exam room and Claudia made her way back to the front desk.

**"Those are details, Claudia, you're the detail person, handle it,"** Rick said.

**"Oh, there's that tone again. Now, Vanessa Leeds is in One, Mr. DeSantor's in Two. Oh, and heads up, Mr. Gloval is back there somewhere."**

**"Oh, brother!"**

**"Now, I will get you your supplies if you just stay out of my hair."**

**"You know something, Claudia? Sometimes, I don't think you give me the respect I deserve,"** Rick said as he made his way towards Exam Room Two.

**"You're right. I give you MORE than you deserve."**

Rick turned around to make retort but decide to let it go and resumed heading towards Exam Room Two.

**"Sammie, would you please pull Mr. DeSantro's X-rays? I'm gonna-"** he stopped as he walked by Sammie and noticed her looking at blood samples. **"Okay, where exactly are you right now?"**

**"Well, I'm right here but you always tell me not to talk to you so I didn't know if I should say anything,"** Sammie explained after a moment's hesitation. **"But if we're actually having a conversation, that's so cool because I've been trying to find a blood red lipstick, and now that I see the color of REAL blood, I was thinking if I could take this down to the drugstore-"**

**"Sammie, daughter of darkness, listen to me carefully: blood goes from here to the lab; no detours to the drugstore."**

**"I'm sorry, doctor, it'll never happen again."** With that, the two parted ways, Rick heading for Exam Room Two and Sammie to the lab. Sammie then said to herself as she walked off, **"Excuse me for having a fashion sense."**

Rick heard that and went back to say something when Henry J. Gloval exited the men's restroom.

**"You know you can't dry your hands in there?"** Gloval complained to Rick. **"You've got no paper towels, no toilet paper? What is this, Russia?"**

**"It's a pleasure to see you too, Mr. Gloval. Let me guess: you don't have an appointment, right?"**

**"Maybe it'd be easier for you if just dropped dead."**

**"Maybe, but not right here, it's kind of a high traffic area."**

**"So, you're busy, so do you at least have time for a little chess?"**

**"Oh, all right, I'll try. Claudia, Gloval, chess board!"**

**"Got it!"** Claudia replied.

Rick then went into Exam Room Two while Gloval headed back towards the waiting room.

**"Claudia, the doctor said to give me the chess board!"** Gloval said.

**"Yeah, I heard him, Mr. Gloval. I am on the phone,"** Claudia said as she handed Gloval the chess board. **"No, no, no-no-no-no, no, you see, Mr. Slovaski, some of our patients, they pay us with SERVICES instead of money. Yo****u**** know, you know, barter. Maybe, I have something you could use: uh, uh, uh, plumbing repair, fresh produce..."** she then checked to make sure no one else was listening and then lowered her voice, **"uh, free HBO?"** then raised her voice back to normal, **"Wha- wha- whatever you need. Excuse me? No, I am proud to say I do NOT know any women in that profession."** At this point, Sammie came up to the front desk to look through the Rolodex on the desk. **"Wha- repair the heater in your truck? Now, that is much better. Now, let me see, uh, uh, nothing on my list, but I'll see what I can do."** She then hung up the phone.

Gloval finished setting up the chessboard and called out to Sammie, **"Hey, sweetheart, tell the doctor I'm ready and I'm white."**

**"Excuse me, sir, but the doctor does not discriminate,"** Sammie replied, misunderstanding what Gloval just said. **"He takes patients in the order they come in,"** she then explained, leaving Gloval staring at her with a wide-eyed, confused look on his face. She then turned to Claudia and said, **"I'm sorry you had to hear that."**

**"I am on the phone!"** Claudia shot back.

In Exam Room One, Rick is bandaging up Vanessa Leeds' right ankle.

**"So the twins start calling each other names and the baby starts to cry; he throws his juice cup, misses them, but he hits the big one, then HE comes over, smacks the baby, runs out into the middle of the street, I go after him, I trip over a stoop and here I am,"** Vanessa explained quickly without taking a breath.

**"Well, Vanessa, you're lucky it's just sprained,"** Rick said as he finished bandaging up the ankle. **"Okay, put lots of ice on that and try to stay off it."**

**"Yeah, that's gonna happen; me with four kids,"** Vanessa deadpanned.

**"Don't you have anyone who can help out?"**

**"No, not really. My sister works and my new boyfriend, he hasn't exactly warmed up to the kids yet. But, I think that's gonna change as soon as he has one of his own."**

**"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's review, shall we? Four kids, right? No fathers around and you're planning on having number five with some new guy just to see if he might want one of his own? Well, what is that, like, a test drive?"**

**"Oh, come on, Dr. Hunter, don't start this again!"**

**"Well, what do you expect me to say? Your- your life's like a bad game show; you only get to ask one question and the answer's always 'yes'. And then the contestant gets to go home and- and you're stuck with a lovely parting gift."**

**"Hey, I LOVE my kids!"**

**"Vanessa, nobody in this neighborhood doubts your ability to love. NOBODY. You know what I ought to prescribe for you? Velcro. Here's what you do..."** he grabbed the blood pressure tester to demonstrate his point. **"...you put one piece on each knee. When you hear this sound..."** he undid the Velcro on the tester very hard. **"...stop and think about what you're doing! You are gonna end up with even more children and you cannot provide for the ones you got now!"** He then handed Vanessa her shoe and calmly asked, **"Too rough?"**

**"Yeah, a little bit."**

**"I'm sorry. I'm right, but I'm sorry."** He grabbed Vanessa's chart and started to leave, but then he turned back to Vanessa and said firmly, **"But I'm right."**

With that, he exited the exam room to find a male patient standing outside the men's restroom staring at the urine sample he just gave.

**"What are you doing, making a toast?"** Rick asked the patient.

**"Am I supposed to give this to you?"** the patient asked, referring to urine sample.

**"Good God no. Sammie!"**

Sammie walked up behind Rick and asked, **"Yeah?"**

**"Yeah, uh, take Mr. Sutthoff's sample please and I don't care if you're trying to match an eye shadow, that goes straight to the lab."  
**

**"Eye shadow? It's pee."**

Sammie walked away with the urine sample and Rick explained to Mr. Sutthoff, **"I, uh, owed her father a favor."**

**"I'd say you're even. Hey, look, doc, am I gonna be okay? I got plans to go down and catch Spring Training this year."**

**"Oh, you're fine, just a minor infection. Listen, uh, baseball, now, uh, maybe you can help me out here. I'm trying to remember the name of a player for the Marlins in '91."**

**"Waste of time; they weren't a franchise till '93."**

**"Well, I'll be damned! She lied to me!"**

Rick then started to walk away, completely forgetting about Mr. Sutthoff.

**"Hey, look, can I get dressed? I'm standing here in a coffee filter,"** Mr. Sutthoff called out to Rick.

**"Yeah, I'm sorry, go- go ahead,"** Rick replied as he grabbed his jacket and started to leave. **"Claudia?"**

**"On the phone!"** Claudia yelled back.

**"I'll be right back,"** Rick said as he opened the door.

**"What am I, invisible?"** Gloval asked. **"It's your move."**

**"Right, Gloval,"** Rick muttered as he walked back in and went over to the chess board. He quickly moved one of his pawns ahead two steps and walked out the door saying, **"There you go."**

Gloval analyzed Rick's move and attempted to put the pawn back where it was while saying, **"I don't think he really wanted to do that."**

Rick saw what Gloval did through the window and knocked on the window saying, **"Hey! Gloval, put it back!"**

Gloval shrugged and obeyed.


	16. Episode 1x04: Tell Me Lies, Part Three

Later that day at Lisa's Diner

Roy sat at the newsstand working when Rick walked by and stuck his head in the window.

**"She lied to us!"** Rick said.

**"What are you talking about?"** Roy asked, turning to the window.

Rick walked in the door, went to the indoors window of the newsstand ans said, **"Lisa. You know the story about the boyfriend who played for the Marlins? There were no Marlins in '91."**

**"Oh, yeah, that's right,"** Roy said as he stood up and went to the indoors window. **"Well, I guess she really didn't want us to know then?"**

Rick came through the second door and stood right in front Roy saying, **"Well, if she didn't want us to know, then why didn't she say something?"**

**"She did; she said she didn't want us to know,"** Roy retorted.

**"Why am I even talking to you?"** Rick asked as he turned to head towards the counter.

Lisa walked out of the kitchen and said, **"Hey, Hunter."**

**"'Hey' nothing! You lied to us!"** Rick shot back.

**"Excuse me?"**

**"This morning, when you asked me for my help, I offered you my expertise, my understanding, all right, you know, I'll say it: my wisdom and you just spit in my face!"**

**"First of all, Mr. Wisdom, it's 'spat'."** She's right, you know.

**"Well, I'm sorry we couldn't all go to Columbia University."**

**"You went to Harvard."**

**"So I'm smarter than you are; that's not the point; the point is you lied to us."**

**"Why are you so interested anyway?"**

**"I am not interested; it is my training. I am a healer, a diagnostician; I see somebody in pain, I ask them what's bothering them. It's all about sensitivity and compassion. Why just this morning, I helped a young, unwed mother through a very difficult time."**

**"Rick, forget about it,"** Roy interjected as he made his way to the counter. **"She doesn't want us to know; we don't need to know."**

**"Thank you, Roy,"** Lisa said.

**"All right, all right,"** Rick said as he sat at the counter.

**"But, for her to go through all this trouble, it's got to be something very, very big,"** Roy said as he sat at the counter next to Rick.

**"You know, I think you're right,"** Rick said. **"Maybe this guy she's involved with wasn't even a guy."**

**"Hmm,"** Roy responded with a grin.

**"You two are pathetic,"** Lisa shot back.

**"Boy, it explains a lot, doesn't it? The surliness, the bad attitude, the sensible shoes,"** Rick said.

**"Oh, would you stop? It's not about a woman,"** Lisa said.

**"Yeah, still, why the shoes?"**

**"Forget the shoes!"**

With that, Lisa stormed into the kitchen. After a few seconds, she peaked through the door to find Rick and Roy string at her expectantly.

**"Oh, all right, I'll tell you,"** Lisa said as she came out of the kitchen. **"I'm broke. My best friend in the world, Helena, is a stockbroker; I completely trusted her. So, when she said she had a can't-miss investment, I gave her all my savings."**

**"Well, that's dumb,"** Rick interjected, getting the death stare from Lisa. **"Sorry. Go on."**

**"Long story short, she stole every penny."** She then burst into tears as she said,** "The letter was from a lawyer telling me there was nothing I can do about. Are you happy now?"**

**"Oh, boy, that's bad, I'm sorry, that's wrong, I'm sorry, that's- that's... I'm so sorry,"** Rick and Roy mumbled simultaneously, causing Lisa to roll her eyes and storm back to the kitchen.

**"Boy, she's really upset,"** Rick said. He then turned to Roy and said, **"Hope you're proud of yourself,"** getting an eye roll from Roy.

Later that day at the doctor's office

There is a duck on the front desk. Claudia is on the phone.

**"Mr. Isaacs, you've got your cellphone. Now, you gonna repair Mr. Slovaski's truck? Perfect."** She then changed lines and said, **"Mr. Gregory, I'm back. Everything is all set up."** She then looked over at the duck and said with a frown, **"Yes, I have the duck."** She then hung up the phone.

Rick entered the doctor's office.

**"I'm back. Who's next?"**

**"Mrs. Sullivan's in Three and you're late!"** Claudia replied, handing Rick the chart.

**"Are we playing chess or not?"** Gloval asked Rick.

Rick knelt down at the table to resume the chess game and did a double take when he saw the board.

**"I couldn't wait all day so I made a few moves for you,"** Gloval explained. **"You play just as poorly as I thought you would."**

**"Yeah, well, chew on that,"** Rick said as he made a move.

**"Mrs. Sullivan is waiting!"** Claudia interrupted.

**"Uh, Sullivan, is she the one with the lazy eye?"** Rick asked as he got up from the game.

**"Yes,"** Claudia replied.

**"I never know which one to look at,"** Rick said as he made his way to the exam room.

**"The left one,"** Claudia answered. Rick stopped to ask which left and Claudia cut him off by saying, **"HER left."**

Rick nodded and started to head to the exam room again but stopped again and asked Claudia, **"Didn't we already have the barnyard animal discussion?"**

**"Just go!"**

With that, Rick made his way to the exam room.

Later that evening

Claudia is on the phone again, the duck is gone and Gloval is still sitting in the waiting room with the chess board.

**"Oh, no, Mr. Gregory, you can't back out now!"** Claudia pleaded on the phone. **"If you don't do the drywall, the whole deal falls apart, and I don't get my medical supplies. We had a deal! I got you a DUCK, and I was nice enough not to ask you what you wanted it for! Uh, Mr. Gregory? Hello? Damn!"** She then hung up the phone.

**"Uh, Claudia?"** Gloval said.

**"Not now, Mr. Gloval, I'm in the middle of something!"** Claudia cut him off.

**"Okay, okay, but you need medical supplies, my neighbor's in the business,"** Gloval said. **"He owes me a favor; I can get you whatever you need."**

**"Really?"**

**"Yeah, I would've said something before, but I don't like to be a bother."**

**"Mr. Gloval, I love you!" **She then got up out of the chair, gave Gloval a quick kiss on the mouth and went off towards the supply area.

Rick watched the whole thing as he was putting charts away and said to Claudia, **"I had fewer questions about the duck!"**

**"Hey, doc, are we gonna play chess today or should I just go screw myself?"** Gloval asked as he sat back down in front of the chess board.

Rick thought about it for a second and then said, **"Nah, we'll finish the game."** He then pulled up a chair and sat down next to the board. **"All right."** He looked at the board and exclaimed, **"Ah-ha! Got your rook!"**, as he made his move.

**"Ah-ha! Checkmate!"** Gloval retorted as he made his move.

**"You beat me. How'd you do that?"** Rick asked.

**"I got a nephew; thirty-eight. We have to pin his bus pass to his sleeve. HE could beat you,"** Gloval retorted. **"Well, I think I'll call it a day."**

**"So, you're- you're feeling a little bit better, are you?"** Rick asked as he picked up the chess board and started taking the pieces off.

**"Well, my, uh, my Bursitis was acting up, but it feels okay now,"** Gloval replied as he grabbed his jacket from the coat hanger. He then saw Sammie at the front desk and said, **"Honey, a little tip: next time I come in, it wouldn't kill you to offer me a little coffee, maybe a danish. And by the way, they invented brassieres for a reason!"** Sammie glared at him. He then said to Rick as he left, **"See ya, doc."**

Sammie turned to Rick and asked, **"Do I have to take that from him?! Plus he just walked out of here without paying his bill!"**

**"There is no bill; there's nothing wrong with him,"** Rick explained. **"His wife passed away a few years ago and most of his friends are either dead or living in Florida; same difference. So, until Medicare starts covering loneliness, Gloval comes in here, we play a little chess, he goes home feeling a little better than he did."**

**"That's really nice of you,"** Sammie said, touched by Rick's explanation. She then turned around and said to herself, **"Maybe when I'm eighty, he'll get off my ass,"** as she grabbed a chart and walked off with it.


	17. Episode 1x04: Tell Me Lies, Part Four

Later that evening at Lisa's Diner

Roy sat at Table One reading a book as Rick walked in and went straight for the cash register to get one his cigarettes.

**"Hey, Roy, how ya doing?"**

**"Oh, I'm glad you're here, ********Rick. Our friend, Lisa, lied to us again.**"

**"What do you mean?"**

**"All right, remember that story about Helena, the best friend that betrayed her and stole all her money? Well, they're going skiing next month. I heard her making plans on the phone."**

**"Are you sure you heard her right?"**

**"Rick, I do one thing and I do it well."**

**"Hey, Lisa!"**

**"Yeah, what do you need?"** Lisa asked as she came out of the restroom.

**"You lied to us again, didn't you?"**

**"Me, lie to you? Yes, I did."**

**"How could you do that?"**

**"Actually, it was pretty easy. The stuff about the baseball player happened to a friend of mine and the whole backstabbing thing, I kinda came up with on the spot. I'm real proud of that one. But maybe now you get it: my business is none of your business."**

**"All right, all right, for some reason, you don't want me to know. I accept that. I just want you to know that I was trying to be friendly, to get to know you a little bit better, that's all, but you obviously don't want that so I will just come in every morning, order my coffee, and I will leave you alone."**

**"Good."**

Rick turned to leave but then turned back and exclaimed, **"It just doesn't seem fair! I mean, my- my life is an open book!"**

**"Oh, you're so full of it! If ever there was a closed book, it's you! You're a doctor; you live alone; that's pretty much all I know."**

**"He's afraid of spiders,"** Roy interjected.

**"Hey, shut up, Roy!"** Rick shot back.

**"Well, you are! You're like a little girl."**

**"Hunter, if you really want to know about me, I'll tell you anything you want, but it's a two-way street,"** Lisa said.

**"What do you mean?"** Rick asked.

**"If you get to ask me a question then I get to ask you one,"** Lisa explained.

**"Fine, I wanna know what's in the letter. I don't know why I wanna know; I just do. And don't lie to me this time."**

**"Fine. I'm overdrawn at the bank."**

**"Sorry, excuse me?"**

**"I'm overdrawn; the letter is a bank statement,"** Lisa explained, giving Rick the letter.

**"That's it? I wasted my whole day on your checking account?"** Rick asked incredulously as he looked at the letter.

**"It has to come out to the penny! It's a point of pride with me! Besides, you're the ones that blew it out of proportion."**

**"Wait, wait, no ballplayers, no lesbians, no nothing?"** Roy asked incredulously.

**"Well, no wonder you don't like to talk about your life. It's boring!"** Rick said to Lisa. He then started to leave and said, **"Good night!"**

**"Hold it! You owe me a question,"** Lisa said as she followed Rick to the door.

**"What?"**

**"Oh, we had a deal, now it's my turn."**

**"Fine, ask your question."**

**"My father said you were some sort of hotshot researcher at Harvard, now you have a tiny little practice in Macross. What are you hiding from?"**

**"I just asked you about your checking account."**

**"I'm waiting."**

**"I am not hiding from anything. I- I think I was just- I... you know, I probably... my- my marriage wa... you know something, it's none of your business!"**

**"And I res****p****ect that."**

Rick looked at Lisa with an understanding smile and said, **"Ah."**

Lisa patted Rick on the shoulder and said, **"Good night, Hunter."**

**"Good night, Lisa."**

With that, Rick exited the diner and Lisa disappeared into the kitchen, leaving Roy sitting alone at Table One.

**"Hey, doesn't anybody want to know anything about me?"**


	18. 1x05: My Dinner with Hunter, Part One

**EPISODE 1x05: MY DINNER WITH HUNTER**

Lisa's Diner

A delivery man named Todd is sitting at Table One drinking coffee and reading the newspaper, Roy is sitting at the counter and Lisa is busing the tables.

Rick entered the diner yelling at somebody outside, **"Oh, yeah, lady?! Well, instead of putting that stupid bow in his hair, why don't you teach him not to crap all over the sidewalk?!"**

**"I sure hope he's talking about a dog,"** Roy said.

**"Hey, I don't care if you don't have a scooper; pick it up and put it in your pocket, you idiot!"** Rick yelled at the woman he was talking to. He then finished entering the diner, saw Lisa and said as he went to the newsstand to buy a newspaper, **"Hey, Lisa! No time for breakfast this morning; let me just have a cigarette and a cup of coffee, will ya?"**

**"Oh, it's your lucky day. Here's a cigarette IN a cup of coffee,"** Lisa said as she gave Rick a coffee cup.

**"Caffeinated cigarettes,"** Rick said as he made his way to the counter with his newspaper and the tainted coffee cup. **"Am I crazy or is that a good idea?"**

**"Yeah, if you're gonna smoke yourself to death, you may as well be awake for it,"** Roy retorted.

Rick sat at the counter next to Roy, looked at the newspaper and said, **"Oh, look at this story. You're not gonna believe this: 'Forty-five injured in toy store riot.' You wanna know what led these mature adults to violence? Those stupid little beany dolls! I mean, are peoples lives this empty? What are we talking about? It's- it's a SWEAT-SOCK WITH EYES!"**

**"Well, you can't blame the toy,"** Todd interjected. **"My niece has one; she just loves it."**

Rick and Roy turned to Todd and Roy said, **"Uh, a little tip: don't poke the bear."**

**"All I'm saying is that there's always gonna be a few bad apples who ruin it for everybody,"** Todd said as he stood up to pay for his coffee.

**"Okay, now you're on your own,"** Roy said as he turned away from Todd.

**"'A few bad apples?' What are you, nuts?"** Rick asked Todd incredulously. **"People are being slaughtered over those little beany bastards!"**

**"Hey, everyone's entitled to their opinion,"** Todd retorted. **"I say 'live and let live'."**

Rick turned to Roy and said,** "The schmucks of the world have a new king!"**

**"Wait till you see who he's chosen for his new queen,"** Roy retorted.

**"What do you mean?"** Rick asked.

To answer his own question, Rick turned to see Todd and Lisa making out.

**"Oh, you gotta be kidding me!"** Rick exclaimed.

**"Yeah, I'm blind and I did a double take,"** Roy retorted.

**"I'll see you later,"** Lisa said to Todd as she went back behind the counter.

**"Yeah, have a great day,"** Todd replied as he exited the diner.

Lisa turned to see Rick staring at her incredulously.

**"What?"** Lisa asked.

**"Were all the guys in long pants taken?"** Rick asked.

**"Don't tell me now you have something against delivery men?"**

**"No, absolutely not. I have nothing but respect for our men in lift belts,"** Rick retorted as he and Roy chuckled. **"I just don't think he's your type, that's all."**

**"Oh, you're right. What was I thinking? I should have my head examined for going out with a great looking guy who treats me well,"** Lisa deadpanned as she took Rick's money and gave him the appropriate change from the cash register. **"Besides, I've gone out with enough Type A guys to know what the 'A' stands for."**

**"All right, I stand corrected, he's a nice guy. If he had bigger ears, he'd be a Disney character,"** Rick retorted as he left the diner with his coffee and newspaper, leaving Lisa shaking her head at him.


	19. 1x05: My Dinner with Hunter, Part Two

Later that day at the doctor's office

Rick entered his office to find a patient named Mrs. Jordan waiting for him.

**"Okay, Mrs. Jordan, give me just a second here to look over your results, will ya?"**

Mrs. Jordan sat in the red chair and said, **"I don't see any pictures of your family, Dr. Hunter."**

**"I keep them locked up."**

**"Your family pictures are locked up?"**

**"No, my family."** He then sat in the desk chair and said, **"All right, everything seems to be in pretty good shape, uh, except your thyroid's a little under-active so I'm gonna give you a drug called Synthroid, see if we can give it a little... kick in the butt."**

**"So, I notice you don't wear a ring. I take it you're unmarried?"**

**"Mrs. Jordan, I've already seen you naked; there's nowhere left for us to go."**

**"Aw, come on, doctor, card's on the table. What are you, gay?"**

**"No."**

**"Good, 'cause I may have someone for you: my niece. She's a lovely girl; personality plus."**

**"Yeah, personality plus what?"**

Mrs. Jordan laughed, **"Kelly would love your sense of humor. You're perfect for her."**

**"Mrs. Jordan, thanks anyway, but, uh, see the problem with blind dates is you end up going out with the kind of people who go out on blind dates."** He then got up and opened the door for Mrs. Jordan as he said,** "And, uh, frankly, those people are much better off alone."**

**"There's that sense of humor!"** Mrs. Jordan said with a smile as she left the office.

Rick walked out of his office and went over to the water fountain for a drink. Sammie then approached him nervously.

**"Dr. Hunter, I don't know if you remember but when I started working here, you said there would be a quarterly performance review. Today's the day."**

**"Oh, yeah, um, well, I'm not ready."**

**"That's okay, I'll go first."** She then pulled a stack of index cards out of the pocket of her lab coat and started reading them, **"'First of all, let me say I think you're doing a great job. However, there's always room for improvement.' Okay."** She flipped to the next index card.** "'You have a tendency to get a little abrasive at times, not only with the patients but with the support staff. Remember, a smile is a frown turned...'"** she flipped to the next card. **"'...upside down.'"**

**"Go on."**

**"Okay. 'Secondly, and I think I speak for everyone, punctuality. Think about it, if you get here after me, you're late. Thirdly, let's talk about your clothes-'"**

**"Let me ask you something: in what twisted little corner of your mind do you think that it's appropriate for an employee to come to her boss...?"** he saw the smile on Sammie's face, realized where she was going with this and said, **"I'll- I'll try to do better."**

**"That's all I ask."**

With that, Sammie hugged Rick, despite him saying, **"No, don't..."**, and walked off, extremely pleased with herself.

Rick made his way to the front desk to put Mrs. Jordan's chart away when Claudia approached him, holding a violet sticky note.

**"Well, well, well, seems like someone's been using the office as a dating service. Mrs. Jordan just gave me her niece's phone number."**

**"Oh, thank you, Claudia,"** Rick retorted as he grabbed the sticky note, crumpled it up with his hands and threw it away.

**"You know, I've seen her niece; you could do worse. You HAVE done worse. Why not give it a shot and- and take this girl to dinner?"**

**"Claudia, there's a reason they named the blind date after a disabling condition."**

**"Fine, date, DON'T date, but one of these days, the thrill I get from dragging my butt in here every morning is gonna wear off. Then who's gonna look after you?"**

**"Claudia, you'll never leave me."**

**"Well, I might not have a choice; Sammie gave me a very poor performance review,"** Claudia laughed, getting an eye roll from Rick.

Rick then approached a patient in the waiting room.

**"Mr. Rainey, come on back."**

**"All right, thanks for seeing me. Got some real stiffness in my shoulder."**

**"Well, let's take a look at it."**

Rick and Mr. Rainey made their way to Exam Room Three.

**"Says here you work for an HMO; how come you didn't see one of those doctors?"** Rick asked.

**"Ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha! Go to an HMO! That's a good one, doc!"** Mr. Rainey laughed as he followed Rick into Exam Room Three.

Later that day at Lisa's Diner

Rick walked in to find Todd and Lisa kissing.

**"Oh, jeez, do- does the health department know about this?"** Rick asked incredulously.

**"I'll see you tonight,"** Todd said as he broke the kiss.

**"I can't wait,"** Lisa replied.

Todd grabbed his work pad and started to leave when Rick met him at the door.

**"Hey, how's it going?"** Rick asked.

**"Can't complain,"** Todd replied as walked out the door.

**"Apparently not,"** Rick retorted to himself.

**"Out goes the sunshine; in comes the rain,"** Roy deadpanned as Rick sat at the counter next to him.

**"Come on, you can't possibly believe that that guy is right for her,"** Rick said.

**"Well, why not? He's friendly, he attentive, he's eager to please."**

**"Yeah, he's a cocker spaniel."**

**"Are you talking about Todd again?"** Lisa asked as she came out of the kitchen, serving lunch to the customers at Table Two.

**"Oh, interesting, you hear the words 'cocker spaniel' and you immediately think of Todd,"** Rick retorted.

**"There's nothing wrong with Todd."**

**"I didn't say there was; I just think that you're... compromising a little bit. I mean, you're no idiot; you should be going out with someone a little more... I don't know, challenging, you know? I know it's a little tight in the old biological clock department, but that doesn't mean you should sell yourself short, Lisa."**

**"Wow, even your compliments suck,"** Lisa deadpanned as she poured a cup of coffee for Rick.

**"Oh, come on, Lisa, the guy is so boring! I mean, NOBODY'S that nice."**

**"Look, there's nothing wrong with nice. And since when did you become the dating expert? The last woman I saw you with was ticketing your car."**

Roy chuckled at that.

**"I happen to have a very satisfying personal life. You're way off base. Back me up on this will you, Roy?"**

**"No, she DOES have a good point there, Rick."**

**"Yeah, super helpful, thank you,"** Rick deadpanned.

**"Okay, if I'm so wrong, please tell about your satisfying personal life,"** Lisa challenged.

**"Yeah, Rick, I was kinda curious about that myself,"** Roy said. **"When WAS the last time you had a date?"**

**"Last time I had a date? That's what you wanna know?"** Roy and Lisa nodded. **"Well, just so happens I have a date tonight."**

**"Yeah, who with?"** Roy probed.

**"With a woman named... Kelly. Yeah, she's the niece of a patient of mine, as a matter of fact. She has personality plus, you know, and finds me very amusing."**

**"Oh, a DEAF girl!"** Lisa joked as she walked back into the kitchen, rolling her eyes.

**"Oh, boy, she sure got you there!"** Roy chuckled.

**"Yeah, she sure did, didn't she?"** Rick fake chuckled along as he poured an entire shaker of salt in Roy's coffee.

Roy took a sip of his coffee, grimaced, realized what Rick did to it and incredulously asked, **"How much pleasure can you ********possibly **get from playing tricks on a blind man?"

**"To be honest, more than I ever imagined,"** Rick replied laughing.


	20. 1x05: My Dinner with Hunter, Part Three

Later that day at the doctor's office

A bum tried to sneak in through the back door but Claudia caught him sneaking in and is now escorting him to the front desk.

**"I don't care!"** Claudia cut off the bum as he tried to plead his case. **"You can't just sneak in the back door and expect to see the doctor! Unless, it's emergency, you need an appointment!"**

**"Then I'd like to make an appointment,"** the bum requested.

**"Well, there's, uh, something you need to do first,"** Claudia said as she pulled some money out from inside the desk. **"Here's ten dollars. I want you to go down to Goodwill and buy some clean clothes. Then, I want you to got to the Y and take a shower. And when you're all finished and you think that you are REALLY clean, I want you to go back in and take ANOTHER shower. THEN come back and see me."**

With that, Claudia made her way back towards the supply area as Rick emerged from Exam Room Three.

**"Claudia, that telephone number I threw away, you haven't emptied the trash yet, have ya?"** Rick asked.

**"Nope, but the question is are you desperate enough to go digging around in it?"** Claudia retorted laughing.

**"Yes, yes, I am,"** Rick muttered to himself as he walked up to the trash can, picked it up and started digging around in it.

The bum saw Rick digging around in the trash and said to him, **"Don't waste your time. Doctor won't see ya unless you shower first,"** not realizing Rick IS the doctor.

Later that evening at Lisa's Diner

Roy went to sit down at Table Two when Lisa emerged from the kitchen, dressed up for her date with Todd.

**"Hey, Roy, would you mind closing up tonight?"** Lisa asked as she brought Roy his dinner.

**"No problem,"** Roy replied. He then started sniffing Lisa and smelled something peculiar. **"Now that's strange. Usually, you wear Obsession, but tonight... playful, slightly precocious, and a little bit bad. Tommy Girl."**

**"You're amazing!"**

**"Hey, if there's a way of enjoying a woman without seeing her, believe me, I've found it!"**

With that, Roy sat down at Table Two to eat his dinner. Todd then entered the diner and spotted Lisa.

**"Well, someone looks VERY pretty tonight,"** Todd remarked.

**"Oh, stop, this old thing?"** Roy jokingly retorted.

**"Oh, Lisa, you look nice, too,"** Todd said as he gave Lisa a rose.

**"Thank you, Todd,"** Lisa replied as she accepted the rose and kissed Todd. **"I'm almost ready."**

**"Great. Hey, listen, I had to park three blocks away; I'll- I'll go get the car."**

**"No, that's okay, I can walk with you."**

**"No, no, I'll get it. You're wearing heels; if you twisted your ankle, I'd never forgive myself. Night, Roy!"**

**"Good night!"** Roy replied.

With that, Todd exited the diner.

**"Roy, let me ask you something: what do you think of Todd?"** Lisa asked.

**"He seems like a nice guy,"** Roy replied.

**"But not TOO nice, right?"**

**"Oh, don't tell me you're worried about what Hunter said?"**

**"Well, you know how he is. I mean, he shoots his mouth off and before you know it, he's got you doubting your own opinion."**

**"Well, don't listen to him. I don't; that's why we're friends. Now, look, if you like Todd, that's all that matters."**

**"You're right. Thank you."**

Just then, Rick entered the diner.

**"Hey, Lisa! Saw your friend Todd outside,"** Rick said.

**"And?"** Lisa challenged.

**"And nothing. Hey, wearing long pants and everything."**

**"Hunter, we're closed."**

**"I know. I'm just grabbing a smoke before my date."**

**"Nervous?"**

**"No, I've smoked before."** He then looked at Lisa and sincerely said, **"You know something? You look very nice. You and Todd have a good time toni****gh****t. Roy, I'll see you later!"**

**"See ya, Rick!"** Roy replied.

With that, Rick exited the diner.

**"Okay, what the Hell was THAT supposed to mean?!"** Lisa asked.

**"Well, unless he threw up some weird hand signals, I think he meant 'have a good time tonight',"** Roy replied.

**"Yeah, I guess."**

**"Lisa, stop torturing yourself! Forget about Hunter! If you like Todd, that's all that matters."**

**"You're right. You know you're absolutely right."**

With that, Lisa exited the diner without saying good night to Roy.

**"'Cause in a relationship, the most important thing is how two people feel about each other, all right? It doesn't matter if... Lisa? Lisa? Okay, people, you have to say goodbye to a blind man before you leave the room, otherwise it's just plain inconsiderate! It's rude to leave a guy sitting here talking to himself for hours, you know!"**

Just then, Lisa came running back into the diner.

**"Roy, I'm sorry I forgot to say good night,"** Lisa said breathlessly.

**"Hey, no problem!"** Roy replied, suddenly bright. **"Bye!"**

With that, Lisa exited the diner AGAIN, leaving to Roy finish his dinner.

Later that evening at Rick's date

Rick sat at a fancy restaurant waiting for his date to arrive.

A waiter approached him and said, **"Hi, I'm Rusty; I'll be your waiter. Can I tell you about tonight's specials?"**

**"Actually..."** Rick started to say but Rusty cut him off.

**"We have striped Chilean sea bass pansered with shitake mushrooms, a free range chicken breast stuffed with ond****o****ui sausage, accompanied by a vegetarian gumbo, and our grilled double pork chop which comes in a cream reduction with just a slash of vermouth, that one's yummy! Now what can I get ya?"**

**"Rusty... sit down."** Rusty grabbed the chair across from Rick, pulled it closer to where Rick was sitting and sat down in it. **"Now, first of all, you can drop the phony sycophantic charm; I don't need a new pal; just a waiter. I want you to take a glass and put some vodka in it; not that stuffed ond****o****ui vodka, just normal human vodka. Then take the splash of vermouth out of the double pork chops, put it in the glass, turning it into a free range vodka martini. Then bring it back here as fast as you can so I can drink it in peace. Are you with me?"**

**"Gotcha,"** Rusty replied as he got out of the chair.

**"Rusty!"**

**"Hmm?"**

**"The chair."** Rusty then grabbed the chair he just vacated and put it back where it was across from Rick. **"Thank you."**

Rusty then ran off towards the kitchen.

Then a beautiful blonde woman walked up to Rick's table and asked, **"Are you Rick Hunter?"**

**"Hmm? Oh, uh, is there a call for me?"**

**"No. I'm Kelly. Kelly Jordan."**

**"You- you're related to Mrs. Jordan?"**

**"Yes, she's my aunt."**

**"Well, wow. Uh, sorry, Ri- Rick Hunter. Here, sit down."**

Rick shook Kelly's hand and pulled her chair out for her.

**"Thank you,"** Kelly said.

**"Here we go,"** Rick said.

**"Sorry I'm a little late but, uh, my dance class went a little longer than I expected."**

**"You're a dancer?"**

**"Yeah, country-western. You know, line dancing? It's just so much fun."**

Rick's smile hardened upon hearing that.

**"Ah, line dancing."**

Meanwhile at Lisa's date

Lisa and Todd were at a not-quite-so-fancy restaurant, walking up to their table.

**"I can't believe that guy just backed into your car and drove away like that!"** Lisa exclaimed.

**"Hey, what's done is done. That's what insurance is for,"** Todd reassured as he pulled Lisa's chair out for her.

**"Unbelievable. Most guys would still be outside screaming."**

**"Well, I figure why let it ruin the whole evening?"**

**"What a great attitude. Just... great."**

Meanwhile at Rick's date

Rusty is taking Rick and Kelly's orders.

**"I'll have the cob salad, no egg, no bacon, no cheese, no dressing,"** Kelly said.

**"You sure you want the bowl?"** Rick deadpanned.

**"And for you, sir?"** Rusty asked.

**"Steak."**

**"Steak Diane? Steak Burnaze?"**

**"Rusty, steak, meat, flame, plate, go!"**

With that, Rusty grabbed the menus and ran off towards the kitchen.

**"So, Kelly..."**

**"Yeah?"**

**"...what kind of work do you do?"**

**"In a way, uh, the same thing you do. I heal people."**

**"You're a doctor?"**

**"Well, practically. I'm an aroma therapist."**

**"Ah."**

Rick is starting to realize this was a huge mistake.

Meanwhile at Lisa's date

Lisa's not doing that much better with Todd.

**"You were stuck in the Lairdman tunnel for three hours? That would've driven me insane!"**

**"Actually, I kind of enjoyed the time. Gave me a chance to think about my life. By the time I hit Granite City, I was feeling pretty good."**

**"It felt good to get to Granite?"**

Meanwhile at Rick's date

**"Well, let me see, what else can I tell you about myself?"** Kelly asked.

Rick rubbed his head in embarrassment.

**"Um, I'm a very romantic person,"** Kelly continued. **"I've seen _Titanic_ fifty-three times. There are moments when I feel like I am actually on that ship."**

**"Me too."** Like right now.

Meanwhile at Lisa's date

Lisa is becoming more and more disenchanted with Todd.

**"You actually don't mind paying taxes?"**

**"How could I? I use city services. I mean, you could bet I'll be the first one to call the fire department if my house was burning down."**

**"Wow, there's gotta be SOMETHING that bothers you!"**

**"Why?"**

**"You're just so nice!"**

**"Well, what's wrong with nice?"**

**"Well, there's nothing wrong with... I've got it: pollution. You gotta hate pollution."**

**"Well, of course I do."**

**"Thank God."**

**"But you have to admit, the city's a lot cleaner than it used to be."**

Lisa rolled her eyes in frustration.

Meanwhile at Rick's date

Rick and Kelly are eating their dinner now.

**"You know I was thinking: after dinner, we should go to a karaoke bar,"** Kelly suggested. **"I go all the time; they're really fun."**

That was the last straw for Rick.

**"Oh, yeah, karaoke bar, great idea, because so often when I'm listening to Don Henley, I'm thinking 'wouldn't it be great if I could just take Henley's voice out and replace it the off-key yowling of some drunk?',"** Rick deadpanned.

**"You're very tense,"** Kelly said.

**"Well, that's my hobby. Look, Kelly, I'm gonna have to be honest with you: if you and I were the last two people on this Earth, that would be the only thing we have in common. Now, I could... I could sit here all night with my frozen smile, you know, walk you to your doorstep, promise to call, then run like Hell for a cab, but what I'd like to do is skip directly to the 'run like Hell for a cab' 'cause if you think I'm hard to take now, you don't want to be around me for even five minutes in a karaoke bar. So, I'm gonna- I'm gonna do the biggest favor of your life."** He got up from his chair, pulled his wallet out of his jacket and paid for the dinner. **"I, uh, dinner's on me. I'm- I'm very, very sorry."**

With that, Rick walked out of the restaurant, leaving Kelly with a wide-eyed, stunned look on her face.

Meanwhile at Lisa's date

Lisa's just about at the boiling point.

**"Look, we finished eating twenty minutes ago and no one's offered us coffee. Doesn't that bother you?"**

**"I- I hadn't noticed. I was enjoying my time with you."**

**"Yeah, yeah, it's magic,"** Lisa deadpanned. **"Look, what are you, a Kiebler elf? Did you grow up in a tree making cookies? Doesn't anything make you angry? Killer bees, polka music, furniture you have to assemble yourself, I DON'T CARE! PICK ONE!"**

**"You know, I- I just... I just thought of something I don't like."**

**"Finally!"**

Todd got up from his chair and grabbed his coat. Lisa saw this and said, **"Oh,"** realizing what is that Todd doesn't like.

**"I just can't be with somebody who's so angry,"** Todd explained. **"Uh, I don't know what got into you."**

With that, Todd left the restaurant, but unlike Rick, he didn't bother to pay for his half of the dinner.

**"Hunter!"** Lisa snarled, knowing full well got into her.


	21. 1x05: My Dinner with Hunter, Part Four

The next morning at Lisa's Diner

Lisa stood at the counter, working with a note pad as Rick entered the diner.

**"Morning, Lisa! Can I have a cup of coffee?"**

**"Hi, Hunter. I'm about to make you a very happy man."**

**"Oh, yeah? Somebody else make the coffee?"**

**"No. You were right and I was wrong."**

**"Well, sure. What are we talking about?"**

**"You told me Todd wasn't right for me and last night, we broke up. At least that's what I think it means when a guy leaves you sitting alone in a restaurant."**

**"The guy walked out on you? The bastard!"** Hypocrite much, Rick?

**"No, he's not the bastard; you are."**

**"Wha- why me?"**

**"Because you wanted me to find something wrong with Todd and you wouldn't let up until I did!"**

**"Oh, hey, come on, I wasn't even there, Lisa! I was just- I was offering you some opinions, that's all. If I- if I screwed anything up, I'm sorry. I mean, don't get me wrong, the guy's Gumby, but if I messed it up..."**

**"Doesn't matter; it's too late anyway."**

**"No, it's NOT too late. Come on, te- tell him... make something up, tell him you were drunk, tell him it was all my fault, I don't care, just call him, come on."**

**"I can't."**

**"Why not?"**

**"Because he's boring! You were right! He was so damn nice I wanted to hit him with a stick!"**

**"So, you're saying you're- you're upset about losing someone you don't even like? Well, you know, you're just a crazy person."**

**"Hey, no argument here! I... when it comes to men, you might as well put me in a straight jacket and spoon feed me pudding. Maybe not everybody's supposed to find someone."**

**"Oh, now don't... don't do that. Look, you don't have the market cornered on crazy, you know. I mean, I've... I've had two failed marriages, there's a long list of women who still refuse to talk to me. I mean, the longest relationship I have is with the woman who runs the dry cleaning on the corner."**

**"Susie?"**

**"Who's that? Is that her name? Look, just... don't be so hard on yourself."**

**"Thanks, Hunter. I appreciate you telling me that."**

**"You know, when you think about it, all you really lost was Todd."**

**"Ugh, and you were doing SO well!"**

**"No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Look, dating's tough. You know, it's hard to find someone you really... connect with."**

Rick and Lisa stared into each others eyes briefly.

**"You know, I, um, got so wrapped up in myself, I completely forgot to ask you, uh, how was YOUR date?"**

**"Mine? Oh, uh, well, I wasn't gonna bring it up. But as long as we're being honest... it was FANTASTIC!"**


End file.
